In the moment....

Dear Oprah,
The moment. It's here. Then it's gone. But guess what, there's another one. There is always another moment. While you are here, in this life, the moment is what you have.
I've been thinking a lot about love. I've been thinking a lot about moments.
I've been thinking that for as long as I live ambitiously, looking towards the future, looking towards the things that I work so hard for, looking at the list, looking...I am missing...the moments.
I've lost so much this year. But I'm not for want.
I'm not for lack of trying or striving.
Life is moving...so fast. Life.
I am getting into this strange routine of going to bed early and waking up REALLY early and I'm liking it.
Late makes me sad and nostalgic. Early makes me hopeful and energetic. So, go to the hopeful and energetic, I say.
I go to sleep.
I wake up. Everything seems full of promise.
It doesn't matter what I have to do during the day, I know it will be full.
But, when it is still and quiet, that's when I find the love, the dream, the passion, the moment.
I can see things for what they are, pure, untouched, clean.
When I wake up, there is a clean canvas before me.
When I look back, at my day, my life, it is full, of mess and laughter and...so much.
I think, when I am in the moment, that is when I feel full of promise, when I am out of the moment, I see the mess, the terror, the to do's the potential, but also the challenge.
When I am in the moment, I only see what is before me.
It might be fright, but then it's gone. It might be happiness, but then it's gone. But the fleetingness of the moment is so much more manageable than the feelings surrounding what's next and what's past.
I can't control much of what happened in my past. I can learn from it and grow. I can anticipate the future and worry or plan or strive for what I want to play out, but that is exhausting as well.
To be driven is great. To be in the moment is bliss.
To be in the moment, I can take in things that I might not be able to when focussed on things outside of that moment, where I'm going, what I need to do.
To be in the moment, I can actually smell the coffee or flowers bloom, watch the fog as it surrounds the moon.
I can be.
This year, as it round near to a close, I remember how much I hurt. But I also remember how much I healed and grew stronger.
I think about my life and what I work so hard to achieve, love and success.
I think about the moment and then it's gone, to the next one and I wonder, did I waste it or did I live it fully?
To live a moment fully is to live in full happiness.
To be in 'the zone' of your life whether life is dishing you crap or crudite.
Life has been a lot of crap this year. I'm not gonna lie. But sometimes, I am in a moment where I actually question my sanity because I am so happy when I know my life is crap.
I run on the beach and smile from ear to ear, when my dad is ill at home.
I teach a class and feel so complete when I wonder if my bills are going to be paid.
I can give an awesome audition and never get a call back.
I chat with a friend over lunch when I know I go home to be alone when she goes home to her husband and kid.
And I can still feel good when things aren't what they 'should' be for me to be 'happy'.
The thing is...
Your husband will piss you off.
You might not book the role.
You might get a shin splint after your run.
But if you can live love in the moment, with your husband, in your audition, as you run, it is worth all of it to get to the crudite.
Life might be crap, in general, right now, but the moments are what's great.
The moments are what keep me hoping for continued moments of happiness.
I don't know what happiness is.
I don't know if it's supposed to last a week, a month, a year or a lifetime.
All I know is that I've felt a lot of hurt this year. And I feel it so deeply.
But when I have moments of joy, in an early morning run, watching the sunset, listening to the taxi cab drivers chat in front of the Huntley Hotely, listening to the old biddys at the YMCA talk to each other about figuring out facebook, getting up into handstand for even a second, receiving a smile from a stranger on the street, getting asked out by a hot guy in a sweet ride on the streets of Santa Monica, getting a free coffee from the Starbucks Barista, hearing a new song on the radio, getting green lights or clear lanes on the free way, hearing my mom's voice on the phone, especially when she laughs until she pees her pants, watching a funny TV program, connecting with a friend over lunch, trying a new treat or meal, shooting a clever yoga video, preparing a scene for a workshop or audition, hearing a baby laugh, getting a compliment or cheer up from a friend, accomplish something that's scary or intimidating, eating a really good cookie, watching a student overcome her fear, feeling the sun on my skin and watching the fog roll in onto my favorite city, Santa Monica, that is love, that is bliss and that makes it all worth it.
It's worth it.
All the crap.
To get just a moment.
Loving you,
Laurie

Find your bucket...

Dear Oprah,
I have to do this.
It took me a while. And then it took me some more whiles.
I watched the film, "The Bucket LIst".

Yes, the reviews were not the best. Yes, it came out a gagillion years ago in Hollywood years, but one of my clients lent it to me and I thought it an appropriate time to sit back and watch it.

It's been three months since my dad passed and I'm finally getting past some of the phases and maybe reaching the point of acceptance.
I don't know. It comes in waves.
I'm sometimes in denial, sometimes in anger...sometimes...I don't know.
All I know is that he is here, all around me and this little film is a wonderful celebration of life and how to live it now whether we have 6 months or 60 years left.
To say what you need to say and do what you need to do with love and passion and maybe a little Jack Nicholson is a wonderful way to be.

It certainly didn't win any awards, but it was a gentle reminder to live with the fervor you would if you didn't think you had time to live at all.

I don't have a bucket list of things to do before I go. I like to think I'm living it now.
Even without a list, it reminds me that what I'm doing, I'm supposed to be doing.
That's a nice thing to know.
To tell people they mean something to you, to be grateful for all the things, even if it might be shit sometimes, it's a nice perspective to have.
I'm just happy I was able to carve the time out to watch a little film. Even if it took me two days to do it.
Even if it isn't the best movie ever, it can make you think...what do I want to do. Or ask, what do I need to do...right now.
Just a little perspective. And it's always a nice reminder.
Just sayin...
find your bucket and scoop up life.
~Laur

Halloween Observance

Dear Oprah,
Happy Halloween!
Here's a treat...
It is totally ok to dress inappropriately and act naughtily whatever your age.
On that note.
It is 6AM. I'm up.
A burst of cold air trips me as I open my door and tie on my sneakers.
My dad's voice inside my head...are you warm enough dahlin?
Yes, dad, I'll warm up soon enough. Brush the tear from my eye.
The tear from my nose.
It's cold!
It's LA. The good cold.
I prepare for my yoga today.
Today, my yoga is a run on the beach.
I watch the sun rise over the city of Santa Monica.
The beach is being coiffed to perfection.
I gain a steady pace.
I am warm.
Good morning sun.
Good morning beach.
I smell the coffee brewing and blowing my way from Shutters.
I smell the incense as I cross Santa Monica to Venice...the boardwalk just inches from the shore.
I smell eggs and toast from the apartments that line the sand.
I smell the salt and breathe it all in.
The surfers stand on their boards and look out to the sea.
I run in place to watch the bliss. That is their yoga and I'm so lucky to observe it.
I think about a student I had in class the other day. I watched him float forward and back through his vinyasa with effortlessness.
As a teacher, I'm so thankful that I can observe and watch students as they progress and work through things. Sometimes it is not so pretty and by that I don't mean, the way it looks. I mean the way it looks and feels within me to watch.
I am fortunate.
I watch the surfers, watch the sea and it is serene.
Then I watch as a wave builds and the surfer prepares to coast or crumble. My heart pounds a bit as I watch him glide above and beyond it, back to quiet, clear contemplation. What must have been going through his mind? In my mind, I felt fear. Then I felt it dissipate because he rode it with ease. If he had fear, it was replaced by inspiration.
The yoga practice is much like staring out at the sea.
Mat or board, the water or practice can be serene or rough. It can be peaceful or scary, or both.
I think, how lucky to be able to watch as a teacher and then I think, well as a student, it is quite the same thing.
The whole practice is about watching what happens.
When in our practice we are observing the inner world. As a teacher, I can only watch your result. As a teacher and student, I can admire and adjust.
As a teacher and student, I have a choice how a posture or anticipation of what comes next in a practice will make me feel.
We all have a choice.
I watch my student float, so he is floating inside. There is no way he is at battle within.
I watch the surfer, steady as his practice builds fervor. I get anxious and he just glides.
We observe. We feel. We train ourselves that no matter what comes towards us, the vinyasa or wave, we can chose to conquer it with frustration or effortlessness.

We can also chose to put on a costume and be something we are not. That is not yoga. That is just Halloween.

Eat candy, but watch yourself,
Laur

Fear and other nonsense....

Dear Oprah,

I haven't written in a while. Sorry for that. Been busy. Yea, who hasn't. I don't have a kid or a husband and I'm still busier than most people I know. Must be my cat, whose name changes everyday. Hey, I committed to the dang thing for it's life, probably about 15 years, so I can waiver on the name. Today...this week, it's been Karma. Bad Karma!!! She climbs up on the sink and eats my make up brush. Good Karma!!!! She snuggles with me as I sleep...in the nook and purrs like there's no tomorrow.

What can I say. I have priorities. My students and classes, videos and podcasts. Oh yea, and I'm an actor, mostly auditioning. Which makes me laugh. Because sometimes, you can book a role or shoot something and never see it. Or worse, never get paid. So...I look to yoga, always as my source of...everything.

I have a wonderful new clothing company called Our Love Yoga sponsoring my yoga videos. This isn't a first but I must say, their clothes are divine, well designed and the quality is amazing. They are up and coming and great for the yogi on the go. Their clothes will take you from the mat to the cafe afterwards with the girls in super style.

So, we're happy.

We are not happy to go to see Couples Retreat on our lonesome and be antagonized by the theatre clerk...one ticket? Single? I thought you were being sarcastic. Nope. Single, one ticket, matinee in the middle of a workday no less, bring it the f on.

I needed my retreat. I needed a dark space and loud sound to marinate and contemplate the fun my week holds in store. Lots of it. Lots of driving. Lots of clients and teaching. Lots of auditions. I ain't complainin'. Kitty is not complainin'. She has clucktail hour promptly at 6 where she meows till infinity till I serve her her cluck a doodle doo. A favorite of the family cats in NY.

It's been discontinued. Sad, but true. They must have crack in this food 'cause my cat, my family cats go freekin' nuts for this cluck. By Whiskas. Shout to Whiskas!

OMG. Yup, cat lady.

And Santa Monica, my dear Santa Monica. I don't spend nearly enough time with you but I love you to bits when I do. A great teacher hear in this hood has allowed me to sub her classes and I feel like a rock star having so many students I can lead to bliss. They come there for her but I'm glad they stay for me. It's an honor.

I set my intention everyday with a friend via email. We keep each other accountable by days end. By days end I send my gratitude list to another friend. 5 things we are grateful for in our lives. Sometimes I look at her list and I'm like, hey, I'd like your list, but then I look at mine and I'm ok.

I'm re-shooting a video from last week because the tape stopped in the middle of our shoot.

The benefits of rogue shooting. Public access where did you go? Frustrating, yes. A yogic challenge, heck yeah!! Lovin' it...not so much, but alas...

I'm pimpin' my wears and it ain't easy, but Oprah, I'm not you and though I wish sometimes I could don those tall designer heels you only wear while sitting in a chair talkin' to peeps, my life ain't so bad.

My eyes are open and I am grateful. I'm a small fish and this is a big pond.

Not all the fish are nice and accepting. Sometimes I still feel like I'm in High School, but I'm doing the best I can to set an example for people. I'm not perfect but I'm leading when I can and following when I need.

I'm content with what I have even when I want more.

That's all from here. Two more videos by weeks end, Yoga With Weights and Yoga for Strong Hands and Wrists.

It's a work in progress but the work is great and I have the support I need, even though there is noone working the camera and telling me if it shuts off...we do a great class in one take...recorded or not.

And, inspired by a student of mine recently who set the goal to go up in headstand in a year, I too have set a physical goal for my yoga practice. There is a first time for everything.

By April 2010, I will go up successfully into a handstand, no wall, no spot, holding for at least 10 seconds.

I have never set a physical goal for yoga but realized recently that there was a lot of fear for me attached to inverting. It's not something I thought about consciously. I have an extremely strong practice, but have not been challenged by myself or the classes I have taken. I have found the teachers to lead me and so, I go.

And so, I learn. So I can lead a little better myself.

Here's to abandoning fear in gratitude of someone else.

There is no one I would rather offer my practice up to than my dad. So there you go. And there I go.

Here's to abandoning fear and embracing laughter...and falling in the face of both,

Laurie

One!!!

Dear Oprah,

Oh goodness. Do you remember the theme song? You remember from Ally McBeal, the TV show from long ago and how Calista Flockhart's character felt better about herself once she knew her theme song? I think you even did a show about chic's finding their theme song.

I totally forgot mine. On a whim, whilst cleaning my apartment and putting my iTunes on shuffle, it began. Alone, in my studio, I put the moves on and broke out my best Fosse. Not good, but I get by with an audience of my cat and it was on. I felt better immediately and forgot how super perfect having a theme song is, especially when one is down.

So, my theme song, which happened to be my theme before McBeal and a great, get ready to audition or feel good about yourself song, is...drum roll please...

One, from A Chorus Line, the reprise/finale version. The best song ever from the show that made me want to be a triple threat, or at least want to be a performer...without the dancing.

Enjoy your theme song and if you don't have one, find it now.

Off to dance, hold on...

Crescendo,

Pause,

Here I go!

-Laurie

Resistance training...

Dear Oprah,

I work really hard. Sometimes too hard.

When you put yourself out there in the ways that we do...and I'm not sayin' I'm like you but I put myself out there, you put yourself in a position to receive both positive and negative energy.

I'm tired. And as I was reminded today from my mother, I'm still mourning.

So, I'm going to stop.

Stop working so hard.

I like my life. I work very hard and have what I need. I want more. Don't we all?

But I'm not going to look too far from what I already have, which is enough, to stimulate my creativity and fuel my fire.

Everything I'm doing right now is good enough. I say this to myself and I write this to you and anyone else who reads, besides my mother because this is an important lesson.

We ALWAYS want more than what we have.

I don't know what it is about our nature.

As of late, the signs are telling me that I must retreat.

Havin' a few bad 'yogic' experiences with 'yogis' and studios in my favorite land, Santa Monica.

And so, I must stop fighting so hard for things that are out of my control and just enjoy the life I have that is in my control. I put forth the energy I need to feel good and produce good work that can benefit as many people as I can. The rest, well, is the rest.

Feeling small is easy. It's feeling great with what I'm doing in a city that is so big with a lot of people trying to do the same that is difficult. Instead of fighting to be seen and heard...so common being a middle child, guffaw, I am going to set an intention that the work that I put forth will be enough for what I need, want to achieve and want to create for others. It might be small but it is enough.

Resisting that is foolish. I'm not you. I'm not the great Oprah. I'm just the great Laurie and not a ton of people know that I'm great. I just know that what I do is great enough for what and who is around me. And I will keep surrounding myself with people who are great, so that they might rub a little bit of that off on me to share with others.

I wish it could be more but I have to be content where I am and not look outside where I already am to feel great.

I love teaching, but sometimes I need to teach myself what is important. Unlike many of my blogs, I guess this one is more for me than anyone else.

Because, well, I've been hurt. I've put myself out there and there are not so great people out there that have just plain slashed me down. They want this. They feel good doing this. Even yogis. And that's okay, for them. Yoga has been weird for me lately, like business. I've lost a lot about why I 'do' yoga and why I 'teach' yoga.

It's because I love yoga and love Santa Monica so much that I thought it would be an easy feat for me to achieve teaching here that has knocked me down a notch.

I am not naive but I'm a little more enlightened to the fact that yoga, for a lot of people, especially in this beautiful place I call home, is a business. It is not yoga in the traditional sense of the word. When I go in and teach, I remember who I am and where I came from. I can channel the great idea of it's history.

I don't think about money and business. Too many people on this side of town do.

So, for lack of better words...fuck them. I want MY yoga back, so that I can continue to share it with others. Fuck what they are doing. What they are doing is the bank I worked at in NYC. The temp job I had in Beverly Hills. It's flourescent lighting and direct deposit. It's two weeks vacation and too much taken out for fica. Fuck you.

Love ya!

I still love Yoga and I still love Santa Monica. But for right now, the two don't combine for me. It's oil and water.

And I'm glad I don't have to think too hard about where my money comes from. It comes from doing good. When it comes from a bad place, that's when it gets sticky. So, I have learned my lesson. And I will avoid. And I will not put myself 'out there' in the places where things get sticky. I am so grateful for the yogis I have in my life. They are where I teach and where I practice. I don't know what everyone else is doing. I've experienced it now and will avoid it.

I'm venting. I'm not resisting. I'm letting go. Letting go of the ideas I had about this work. That it is all good. Because with everything, there is good and bad. And I have now experienced the 'bad' people and things involved in yoga. It makes me sad, but it empowers me all the more to keep doing good where I am.

No resistance.

A new practice. A new yoga.

No more feeling bad or swearing.

Much love,

Laurie

Intention and gratitude...

Dear Oprah,

I know I've mentioned before but I have two friends for whom one, at the beginning of the day, I set an intention with and another for which at the end of the day we write 5 things for which we are grateful for. This is a great practice. Sometimes, I reach for things I want to keep myself in tune with throughout the day and things I am grateful for at the end of the day.

Sometimes it is effortless. Sometimes, it's like doing a paper or book report at the 11th hour and having nothing to say, I have to find...something.

Everyday is different and every day has it's set of inspiration and setbacks.

Today, I have not much to share or say. I'm not much inspired or set back. I just am.

I'm not one to just be and certainly never bored. But today, I did my job, did my work, had some fun, enjoyed my life and didn't. I did, I was and I came home.

I blog often. Mostly with something to say. Today, I think it's interesting. Because, I haven't much to say. And even with that, I think it's important to share that even the most uneventful day can be something to report.

There was nothing today that would make the papers, even if I were a celebrity.

There are people in my life that are often mystified by how I spend my time. They know that I am on the road, to and from classes, private sessions, auditions, a lunch with a friend, a workout. This is my life. Today, it is uneventful.

I worked. And my students inspire me, continuously, and then I move on, as they do, to the next thing. I am high, and then I am low. Then I am.

I shared with a friend today about how I went running on the beach.

It was flat sand, clear skies, crisp cool fall air in Santa Monica. I was listening to a new album, by One Eskimo. It was bliss. I said inside myself, this is perfect. This is life in perfection. This is all I need. This is bliss.

And I thought, I had a full day of work, teaching, an audition, a lunch with an old friend I haven't seen in many years.

I come home to perfection. My new cat. Order. Things to do, but nothing pressing.

I am.

I BE.

And I feel....

So...alone and sad.

This is nothing to be quite sad about. This is just, what it is. You can't help what you feel. And so it is written.

The friend I met with, I discussed some things, one of which included the passing of my dad just two months ago. It was the first time I talked about it and didn't get emotional.

That was good, for me.

And yet, I feel, I am not done. Whatever is happening is not done.

Perhaps it's mourning. Perhaps it's simply the transition of seasons.

Many people I speak with now are feeling that sort of melancholy feeling of sadness.

If you lived on the east coast, you'd have a reason...you would see it.

The passing of summer to fall is a passing. It's a death. It's a moving on.

The trees shed. Leaves fall and die. Earth prepares as we do for hibernation if you will in order for it to grow and transcend.

We don't see it so much on the west coast but we feel it as much as the earth beneath us and our surrounding beg for transition. We feel it and sense it and prepare for it.

We are, shedding. Letting go and letting time pass around us so that we can continue to grow in the way that we need to.

When we see it on the east coast, it is an allowance, a permission to feel the same. Fashion magazines prepare us with the happiness of new clothes and colors we can wear.

On the west coast, we can do the same but we are truly, less prepared. We might have a cold day of 60 degrees and we can wear tights and knee high boots, then drive to the valley and it's a hot 80 degrees. Tights aren't workin' and flip-flops just feel sad. We are blessed with sunshine year round, but it can mess with our internal messages that tell us to shed, hide, layer! Shed time and seasons, experiences and emotions, turn inward and contemplate as we transition to wintertime.

We are lucky, I don't deny. But there is little room for us to allow ourselves in such beauty, to retreat. To turn orange and red, to fall and turn inwards. To retreat and contemplate. To wear tights and feel blue.

I named my cat Lady Nyla.

It was hard for me to commit to a name for my cat. I knew that it was difficult for me to even commit to owning a cat. Even saying I own a cat seems weird. 'Cause I feel like she owns me. All I know is that I'm committed now. I thought to myself the other day, I will have this cat when I'm in my 40's, when I'm married, if I have a kid. The thought of having anything last that long, scared the crap out of me. I haven't done anything that long.

She really likes Lady Gaga. She also likes Miley Cyrus. But I love NY and LA and my heart is in both places and now this little kitty soul, so, Lady NYLA.

I think that might be why I'm a bit melancholy. That and the above.

I don't know why and then I do. I have nothing to complain about but there is always something to complain about.

I have my cat, my health, and a great job in a continuously unstable economy.

And, I am sad.

In a time where most people become a bit sad and it is very common, I am not alone.

But I live in LA, where there is no excuse to be sad.

So I write, where there is always an excuse to feel any way I want.

And I set my intention at the beginning of each day and my gratitude list at the end of the day.

I have great friends I can do this with.

And a great life.

And I can still feel down and alone.

But I feel. And for that, I am happy...and sad.

So there. Be thankful Oprah, because I called my cat Oprah for a couple of days, then I thought it would be a conflict of interest. I didn't want people to think I was writing my cat everyday. That would be weird. But writing you everyday...not weird at all.

LOL.

I blog. And it is written.

Be happy or sad. It is time to be whatever you would like and no one will give you a hard time.

Because the air around you and the leaves and the trees, they all feel the same. And the people, they do to.

But if you don the right trench and belted LBD, all is right in the world. You are of the time. And the time is changing before our eyes.

Blessed,

Laurie