This is the time, I like to wind down, contemplate the year past and the year to come.
I like to disconnect and yet, recharge, reconnect to myself and recoup.
This year is also the first year without my dad. So, as I gear up for going home for the holidays, I know there is no chance my dad will be picking me up from the airport. I have to wrap my mind around this. There isn't any method to this. It just makes me want to connect with anything...a little less.
Well, he didn't pick me up last year either, so I should be used to it, but at least he was here for Christmas even though he hadn't been 'here' in a long time.
Although I'm attempting to wind down, I feel this pressure to be over my dad's passing, work my butt off till Santa comes...and wait...while others take the time they need, leaving me in the short notice lurch, without things to do, cursing myself for not doing the same in advance, saving us both from the back and forth havoc of making plans and setting goals in Los Angeles, during the holiday season on the first day of our great rainy season. Run on sentence? I know, that's how my life feels right now.
And yet, I am more than happy to tick more things accomplished off my list.
I'm fine to sit here in the valley. In Starbucks, In the rain.
Because, in this frustration, in this quest to start disconnecting, I have connected with complete strangers.
I was at lunch with a girlfriend. It was raining heavily, then let up for just a few moments. Enough for the most glorious rainbow to halo the restaurant. We were involved enough in conversation not to make too much notice of it, even though, all I wanted to do was starte out the window.
I thought of my dad and how my mom said that a rainbow meant my dad was near. I don't know why, she just did.
I had a meeting after my lunch and was flaked on so I went to Starbucks. Don't have any clothes in the car for a yoga class, no work in the car to finish...no, it's all at home. Because my day was planned...against my will, but planned.
So, Starbucks, is the beacon in the night, the respite for the flaked on, fought with, solitude with others seeking individuals.
Still here and another full rainbow surrounded us.
The whole 'bucks was alert and buzzing in union at the site.
So cliche...I updated my status on facebook notifying peeps of my rainbow spotting(s). Then, all of a sudden, others posted on facebook, their rainbow spottings throughout the city. Talk about rainbow connection. Love it.
I always thought that there would be a Starbucks at the end of a rainbow.
I'm glad I was let off the hook from my friend and that I have no choice but to do nothing but write mindlessly in my blog about rainbows.
Aren't I lucky.
I get to teach yoga everyday.
I get to audition and sometimes work on super cool TV shows and movies.
I have really cool friends. Some that flake and some that show up.
I have an amazing family.
I live in Santa Monica.
I have lots to do and nothing to do and there is a rainbow above my head, a coffee beside me, Christmas music playing, rain pouring and forced nothingness. Lovin' it.
Livin' it. The dream.
It's not lucid. I have no control whatsoever. And if this is out of my control at this point, I'll take it.
Have a super great holiday season everyone.
Be good to yourselves and each other.
Drink lots of water. Wear your sunscreen, even in NY, at least on your face.
Be safe, stay healthy, breathe deeply, laugh a lot, let go a little and re-connect, with yourself and the rainbows above your head and
love love love,