Yoga And Fitness To Go...

Liberation!!!

2010-12-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

This isn't something I talk about openly, at all! But, I think it's important and I think, after I did...what I did, and started opening up a dialog with other women about...what I did, I think we should make a movement. I know if there is one person to start a movement, you will be the person.

Well, I read Portia deRossi's book about how she struggled with her weight and eating disorders and trying to fit into an image that seems to be so prevalent in Los Angeles. It's only when I leave this city that I see how screwed up it is, and I'm not even on television. Ok, I'm trying to be, but mostly and more passionately, I'm in the fitness industry and in that industry as well, it's super important to 'look' the part otherwise people won't take your classes or hire you privately. You want to look the way others want to look. But, you also need to walk the walk you talk to them about - living a healthy lifestyle of balance with a healthy and balanced view on food and exercise.

I have a very stable, strong and balanced viewpoint on fitness and food and live it.

I love it and think it's why I do well in an industry that is so dense with professionals trying to make it their life's work.

It's not a 'day' job for me. It's a mission. And it has been since I was very young.

You might not have been able to see it in me because I was an overweight kid with a lot of self esteem issues.

Now, here I am in my late 30's and not by any egotistical means do I write this, but I am in my peak. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been, because I live my 'life's work.' And I know, for that, I am fortunate. Do I have a house and tons in savings? No. But I live each day in service of helping others and for that, I am living my dream.

However, I struggle with me weight every day. It's not a bunch of weight but the 5 pound gain and loss that annoys 'most' people every so often - stress, break ups, weather. And for this, that's where I make most of my living - with clients that want to 'maintain'.

I live my days eating food that fuels me and occasionally indulge in the 'taste' for 'fun' that makes it ALL worth it.

I am going home to NY where my family abode is filled with devilish temptations that my svelt family never minds. They can live around multiple bags of potato chips and cookies and never bat an eye. They will graze and enjoy. They are balanced.

And yet, when I go home, the person paid money to make others healthy, can actually hear the Lays, Cape Cod and Chips Ahoy screaming at me from the kitchen a flight of stairs away. That voice is processed and loud!

I'm not around it, ever, unless I'm in a store and I walk right by never thinking about it twice.

But now I am here and it's free and abundant and I am in prison.

It's a disorder. I know. I've had it since I was heavy, then thin through Weight Watchers, then anorexic. I thought I made up anorexia when I was young. That's how 'little' I knew about what I was doing.

I thought I was so clever, fooling my body, testing my will and my mother, tossing away school lunches and weighing myself every day at the nurses office instead of hanging out with pals.

I was amazed at what I could do. And really, all for attention. Because, I didn't 'feel' much better. I still felt rotten about myself.

And now, here I am, in my late 30's and really happy with what I've done with my life and body...although I could use that house and I am still in prison.

It's much harder now. I work out all the time, with myself because I love it and with my clients. So, I need food, a lot more of it, to maintain my energy and stay at my peak.

I count every calorie and every indulgence and balance it out with my work outs.

THAT alone might seem extreme but once you do it for a couple of weeks, it becomes a habit that takes as long as it does to do your toenails or chat online.

Knowing what's in your food is important and what fuels you as opposed to fills you is also important. What are your trigger foods that make you reach for the salty or sweet?

I know it all. I know the times of day I emotionally eat and when I reach for the cookie out of stress or solitude. I monitor and adjust. I know it and yet, it still, for lack of a better word, consumes me.

I listen to all of my instincts but still starve and fill myself. No matter what, my body always knows the weight it wants to be And it still knows better than me because it's the weight I'm at my prettiest, healthiest and glowing. I get the most compliments but there's just one thing.

In my mind, that weight is about 3-5 pounds shy of my ideal.

It's the weight that keeps me from fitting into my skinny jeans.

3-5 pounds are a challenge that is absolutely crippling for me to maintain.

And I'm a girl that fasts with the change of seasons. No food, for days. And those skinny jeans fit...for a moment.

And I look great...amazing really...not unlike, um, now...except there's a little piece of cloth hanging in my closet that will tell me otherwise. I'm not fasting and I do not fit.

Fasting, for me, is more for the mind and a cleansing that allows me to turn down and in and adjust to the changes in the outside world.

But, I also lose weight. Not a bunch, just...

3-5 pounds.

I can feel my bones. There's a clip in Portia de Rossi's book about how she would wake up and take her hands along certain parts of her body. If she could feel the bones she knew it would be a good day.

I read that, the first chapter and thought, hmmm, I thought I was the only one who did that.

I know I'm not alone.

I know if I can feel my sacrum and there isn't a cushion of flesh, I am thin, but if there is, I feel bad about myself.

Does anyone notice?

They notice if my attitude is bad, but if I'm carrying a pound extra from the day before, not so much.

I wouldn't mind being a hanger, but if I was less funny and cool, then it's not worth it.

Attitude is more important and effortless if you aren't arrested by the feel of flesh on your backside.

It might not seem like a lot to most people, but when you are at the weight you are supposed to be at, you don't HAVE to count calories, you just have to be careful and maintain.

For me, maintaining is super easy and effortless.

3-5 pounds.

And so, Dear Oprah, I implore you to read closely.

I was out to lunch with one of my most beautiful and healthy yoga teacher friends. She had mentioned that she gained a few pounds while she was on holiday with her husband, that she put on her skinny jeans and couldn't even button them up, not even lying down and holding her breath.

I told her I had the same problem the day before and I hadn't even been on holiday.

I don't indulge in pizza or fast food, not because I'm 'trying to be careful' but because my body just doesn't crave that junk. It craves what it needs and gets me to the weight IT wants.

So, when I thought about her trial and how she said she would just cut back for the next couple of days, I thought about mine...

there is none.

I didn't go away and indulge in foreign foods.

I didn't go on a bender and eat a sleeve of chocolate chip cookies.

I didn't order the large popcorn at the movies.

It's winter. I'm getting older. I use my body a lot and so it is HOLDING it's weight differently to adjust to the time, it's purpose and cold (yes, even in LA!!).

I might not have changed anything in particular, but the jeans I NEVER wear, that sits in the closet, weighing heavy on my brain every day to test me is making me crazy.

They are loose!! Yea, I feel good...for a moment, just one, then I go about my day.

They are tight!!! BOO, I feel horrible, for a full day and I still go about my day and feel good about what I do.

SO, Dear Oprah, I have decided this.

I will not conform any longer to fit -YOU-(jeans, not you, Oprah).

I'm selling you on ebay.

I think all of us women should have our jeans that we feel good in. That fit our body and when we are feeling extra skinny, well so they will hang looser and make us feel even more skinny.

To struggle to conform to fit is just IMPOSSIBLE.

When I teach, I don't conform to any model of any teacher I know. I am myself and bring to the table something altogether unique that people enjoy.

The same goes for my writing and acting.

So, Dear Oprah, why then, would I need so desperately to fit into my size 24 Joe's Jeans.

They don't want me right now.

Some students, they don't need me right now.

The Mentalist and The Office, they bring me in all the time, but right now, I'm not what they want.

I am what I am now and I don't want to wait to be ready for anything else.

I am ready for now and right for later when later is ready for me.

I don't want to put myself in limits. I want to be free, unbuttoned and breathable.

My yoga teacher friend and I teach how important it is to breathe. Yet, we both feel bad about ourselves because we hold our breath to fit.

That's not yoga. That's not life!!

What does that say for what I do?

To me, that means that I doubt what I do and who I am.

I am a fitness professional that charges money to help other people feel good about themselves, be fit and happy. It would be more unprofessional to tell them lies and consistently struggle with the 3 pounds to get me into a pair of jeans for a day then live every day feeling good about whatever I put on my body.

I put on the size up. The not so skinny jeans I should pay more attention to anyway because I'm always in yoga pants. I look great. I look skinny. No one else gives a rats ass and certainly no one can tell the difference between the 3-5 pounds.

A woman today told me tonight that I radiate joy. And I'm heavier than I've been in a long time. Just three pounds.

What do I want to focus on? The joy or the three pounds?

Give me the fuckin' joy...and a fuckin' cookie. You can keep your pounds and your Joe's.

I sold my skinny jeans on ebay and made enough to buy a whole batch of cookies and put some money into my savings for that house. And I feel so much lighter.

Go fuck yourself skinny jeans.

Oprah, I think we should all get rid of our skinny jeans. Make it a movement.

We don't have corsets anymore and should not be bound by our clothing.

Our denim should not designate our happiness.

I can't believe I never did this before. And all on the inspiration from my dear friend.

I really think you should have a show about this and have all your audience members give their skinny jeans away or to a friend.

I don't ever want to think about this again.

I work really hard. Every day. And food is my fuel.

AND, I'm going home to NY, to be with my family, and the devils in the kitchen.

And I want to be with all of it and BE with them and not think about the size of my waist band.

I'm so glad there is nothing left in my closet to make me feel bad, only beautiful things to enhance the beauty that's already within. And that's not ego, that's not skinny. That's joy.

Happy holidays! Now indulge,

Laurie/Lady

Sweata weatha!!!

2010-12-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

No, it's not an inside joke, but if you know me, you know I LIVE for Saturday Night Live and the talk show with the two chicks from Brooklyn (Maya and Amy). They tawk about sweata weatha in NY. I love the 'accent' and I love the sketch and them like the sun.

Speaking of love...

You know when you are in it?

For me, I can't remember what it's like, but I have a good feeling I remember.

You see, I've been on the search for the perfect winter sweater.

It's sweata weatha!!!

I'm looking for the one!!

The one that will take me from the yoga studio to the nightlife in yummy sexy cuteness.

It's hard to find, I know, but it's like love...you just know and so, I'll know it when I see it and I have a great idea of the details that make up said perfect sweater.

Just like my search for the perfect man. Ok, I'm not on the search, but I have an idea of who, said man will be. I know he will not be perfect. Like the perfect sweater, it will pill and need special cleaning instructions, so I know it won't be easy.

I can deal with the maintenance and the flaws, but I have an idea of its values that outweigh its maintenance.

The perfect sweater is neutral, a snow white or oatmeal in color. Yummy and oversized but snugging where and when I need it to snug. It will keep me cozy but leave me room to breath.

Actually, that sounds a lot like the perfect man too!

Well, I've been searching for a while now, at least a few seasons. I've bought a few and then regretted it after a day or so, I send it back, return it and forget about it till I'm on the search again.

Hmmm, that too, sounds a lot like my recent experiences with men. hmmm. No refund though. Final sale.... I’m never getting that time OR money back!!

Thank g-d for retail!

I've tried on a lot of em. I really like a few of them. But then.... not so much.

So, I search again.

Then...I'm on a date with one of my best girlfriends.

And I see him. I mean, it.

I remember it like yesterday.

It was just a few days ago.

But really, I'll remember it always, cuz that's how long this sweata's gonna last!

I see it walking out of a store. Hot mama, hot pants, hot boots, hot hair, and HOT sweater!!

Friend and I walk into the store and find the same sweater!

Wow, meant to be.

It's love at first sight, touch, and embrace of wool to skin!

Get a room!!

I did. Clothes were tossed around. I stripped in a passionate fervor that would rival any movie love scene. Buttons popping, breath quickening and it's ON! It's hot. I mean, I'm hot.

It's a freekin' sweater, so, I'm hot.

And I look great. Cute, sexy, sweet and WARM. Yum.

It's also a fortune.

I put my clothes back on and I'm flushed. Hair strewn, breathless.

Friend and I walk around the mall some more and she's talking but I can't hear a word she says. I'm in love.

She looks at me and says, you have your credit card with you right?

I nod.

She says, it's worth going into debt. You'll have it forever.

I tell her, if I don't buy it with you, I'll never have the memory and I want the memory.

We go back to the store, pop music, smell of pine in the air. It’s Christmas and I put the dang sweater on the card.

If I wear it every day for half a year, it will be a dollar a day.

I tell the woman it's a gift and to wrap it up.

She puts it into the prettiest box and ties it up with the most beautiful ribbon.

I take that box home.

I take him home, honey.

I look at it. I light some candles. Run a bath, pour a glass of wine. Sounds romantic, huh.

I take out the Glamour Magazine…where I will be published in 2011. I savor every moment with myself and pamper myself…

I sleep in that sweater.

I wear this sweater every day and people turn their heads and stop me on the street.

You look younger!

You look happier!

I'm in love!

I look goooooooood!

I regret most things I buy. I have a guilt complex.

I don't regret this. Not one bit. Not one moment. Not one bill. It’s like a mini vacay. And I haven’t had a vacay in.L&++P{QLHWO*&)#*)*?

Love goes beyond all money if you love something.

When you know, you know.

I love this sweater. I love it in good times and in bad. Till death do us part. I work hard for the money and I don’t use rationalization to justify things. I do when I feel deep down to my bones. I have to. I’ve lost everything so I know what it feels like to be homeless and live out of my car, to rely on meals from expense accounts of employers and even though it’s been a long time since those days, I still revert to that place of scarcity and understand abundance surrounds you when you give. I give all the time, from my work to my time.

I’m so fortunate to have the support I need to make my dreams come true and I get scared when I want something material, so I tend NOT to buy anything. But sometimes, it’s ok to buy for yourself. That gift of goodness can turn into giving back goodness tenfold, even if it is material.

When you know, you know.

And so, I'll take this tip from myself.

Come from a place of abundance and you will be abundant. Come from a place of scarcity and you will be scarce.

I’m not saying one should go into debt…that was a joke in the moment. I have sincere issues about buying things for myself. But, this sweater taught me a good lesson. Being with my dear friend helped too. It made a memory out of buying something good for myself, and created a whole evening of self-love that I wouldn’t have received from anyone else but me…and certainly not any trial man.

When you love something and want it, it’s ok to get it. It doesn’t have to require a lot of effort. And in my case, I had credit to use, not a lot, but enough to make me feel happy and not suffocated.

And, if I go on the search for the perfect man.... it’ll be the same thing. No regrets, happy, but not suffocated, effort and effortless.

Paying the bill,

Lady

Phases...

2010-10-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

You still haven't come to my class. Aren't you in Santa Barbara now? In your big house with your fabulous dogs? I'm just a hop, skip, jump and 60 miles from you now. WAAAY closer than Chicago.

But alas, I still wait for you.

I am patient.

However, I'm phasing out this blog for 'yoga' and keeping it as my place to vent personally.

Of course, yoga is my life, personally and professionally so it will cross over. But the lessons from my classes will now be on my new blog, www.LadyYoga.org.

As I turn more and more into a superhero...in my head at least, with the mission to make yoga and fitness accessible to all beings everywhere regardless of physical, emotional and schedule limitations, I'm faced with my own kryptonite and I need a place for Laurie to get out what she needs here.

Like how I use myself in the third person?...so - my alter ego can soar in teaching on my other blog.

But here, I need to let go of the other side.

It's interesting, the last couple of weeks have been really trying for me.

From serious family issues to tremendous abundance and support for what I do to the decadent introduction of 'a life', friends and maybe even a boy, I am forced to decide and balance.

Can one, have it all?

I think so. I think, if one is living passionately, one CAN have it all.

I often think about how many hours I 'work' and think, this is crazy. I put in 12-18 hour days every day and that doesn't always include driving time.

I have over three thousand friends on facebook, am around people all day and come home alone to my ritual of watching stand up comedy on netflix and laughing till I fall asleep.

Ok, I really like that ritual. Like alot. But I'm alone.

But who isn't, really.

I am making good money and am finding the pendulum swing from scarcity just several months ago to abundance now.

I like being a witness to that. I like to see that even if things fall off and I find myself feeling scared for money or survival, scared for my health and sanity, in pain physically and emotionally, that, by living my truth, the 'universe' if you will, comes out with jazz hands and musical crescendo to support what I am doing.

I will not be lost for long.

Fear, a normal human emotion, comes out and says, HOARD!!

You had everything...did you know?

You have nothing...now you know.

You have everything again...do you know? Do you really want this lesson again?

In rebuilding, you say yes to everything because you are afraid it will all disappear again.

Our lessons repeat themselves till they are learned and then it's on to the next lesson.

I'm here now, back in black and have to learn that if I conserve my energy, time and money, if I end up at a loss down the line, the universe will guest star again, enter stage right in my life with boa, glitter, streamers, big musical number with full orchestra and chorus line, provide and exit stage left. Tears will be daubed and I will be better again.

Intermission.

I won't bore you with my 'losses' over the last three years. You will have to read the archived blogs for that. But its been rough.

I've been fueled by the energy of survival for long enough.

I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing and taking what the universe is providing.

And doing it with a smile...and jazz hands...and a few wimpers to my mom.

We had a recent trial in our family that brought us close together again in support and I realized how blessed I am. We don't know what other people's trials are. Sometimes, we need to be a witness to others trials to know how much strength we have to support one another and put our own lives in perspective.

I thank my extended family, tears and laughter and fear aside to realize that at the end of the day, the most important thing we as people have is our relationships. I love my family like air that I breathe and water that I drink. And yet, I am so far from them.

When word spread of the recent trial in our family, I immediately abandoned 'my' issues and started arranging a flight home to help.

It didn't come to that, but it helped me realize that again, at the end of the day, the rest of the bs in life means nothing if family, friends or loved ones are in need.

It made me look at my life and told me, get a freekin' handle on your s-it.

Seriously. Stop stressing about this and that and do what you feel most passionately about, pain and suffering aside...and you will be rewarded.

Do what you are here to do and put all of the rest of the stuff in a bag and throw it out in the dumpster.

And then there are the girlfriends that I need so desperately to laugh with and keep canceling plans with because my clients and bank accounts come first. I wake up earlier because a client has a doctors appointment. I cancel my doctor's appointment because a client has carpool that day and forgot. I cancel a date because I get an audition for one line in a show that's supposed to get canceled next week and spend hours preparing to be treated like crap.

I still want all of my dreams and I will keep showing up and waking up to every single dream I have.

But, I want a life to and I will be hard pressed not to fight for that as much as I fight to bring yoga and fitness to others. I need it too and if I don't get it for myself, what will I have left for others.

If I don't start now, I will end up empty.

I thank my ex for that. If that didn't end, I would never realize how important it is to BE with someone who you mutually respect.

I'm lucky that my inspiration for life has not run dry.

I thank my dad for that.

His dimmed light made me more fired up to burn towards every goal and dream I refuse to give up on...even since I was a little girl being carried in his arms up to bed at night at five years old.

I love that man like chocolate and he was a fighter at heart.

I thank 'that family' for that.

If I didn't work so passionately for years with such a high profile family that I loved, trained, breathed with, stretched with, grew with and cared for only to be 'let go' like a temporary receptionist, I would never have learned how to let go and not take things personally because of their issues.

I thank my mom for that and another one of my clients...for talking me off the ledge of self doubt to realize that people have issues that, no matter how much you love them, they need to work through on their own, even if they love you back.

My mother continues to blaze forward and inspire me like no other. She's my white Oprah and if it wasn't for her, I would be asleep in my bed right now. Ok, she is the one telling me to go to sleep, but her belief in everything I'm doing, keeps me up at night inspired, creative and fueled.

My client, whom I have trained and taught yoga to since I started on my journey here in LA, has been MY greatest teacher. Her husband told me today as I taught them a 21st year anniversary together, that I have made her a better person and I though to myself, I wonder if she knows how much of a better person I am from HER lessons.

And my cousin, Sue. She is one of the reasons I am where I am today.

When I was a fat little kid, I always looked to her talent and drive and inspiration and humor. She drove me towards art, towards creativity, towards laughter, towards CHANGE and DIFFERENCE and standing out and being bold and taking chances and being myself.

And Lady Yoga. She came from nothing. She came from a place where the well had run dry for Laurie, moi. I had nothing left to give and had to turn to something. Lady Yoga came from that dark, sad place inside that told me, even with nothing to show, I have everything inside to give and no one can take that away. We are all superheroes and sometimes we need everything taken away from us to see that. We need pain, darkness, sadness and solitude to see, we have everything inside.

If it wasn't for Lady, Sue, Mom, Dad, the ex, I wouldn't be a comic book superhero. I hope you know that.

And if it wasn't for him, that dark knight. That guy who came out of no where. My friend, my confident, the guy who says I inspire him, that I wouldn't be writing this now, fighting for the release in my life, the ability to allow my light to dim a little into relaxation and enjoyment, telling me that I need to turn it down some so I can turn it up more later.

Thank you.

For all of those people that I love and that continue to love me in dark and light, thank you. Thank you for being there for ME so that I can be here for you and pass it on.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I hope I can do the same for you.

So be, in all of your phases, pain, triumphs and failures. Please continue to be a source so we can be that light and spread it around.

And Oprah, come to my damn class already.

Yours,

Laurie Searle and ladyyoga.org

Here's how I date...

2010-09-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Here is how the day in the life of Laurie is when I have a date.

Day of, wake up at 6AM to start my day.

I do this everyday.

With all the time in the world before my first client, I am still struggling with 15 bags, shoes and trash to take out before I'm out the door with the fear of being late. I drive 1000 miles against traffic to come into people's homes with the mission to bring them yoga and peace. I hope I do that. God knows I could use someone coming to my door with a little o' that.

I rush home in school traffic or any time of day traffic and basically swim across the 405 through Wilshire to get home MAYBE in time to run and errand, take a class or go for a run. If I'm lucky, I will be able to return a phone call or email and catch up on MY life - personally and professionally - ya know the kind that doesn't make money right now, but will, you just wait. Maybe I can go to the bathroom or check my teeth. Great, breakfast has apparently held it's own within my central incisors till mid afternoon. No time to fret.

My date is most probably at 8 and I will most probably be running late but not nearly as much as my date. I will be rushing. I will drop my stuff on my pristine floor. The organized sanctuary I once lived in will become the girlie haven of hell in preparation to 'be myself' with someone else, which is quite often peppered with a pomp and circumstance rivaling a holiday dinner with the extended family, internally, externally and...exhausting. Can I just hide under the table until he leaves?

So, I dump everything on the floor in hopes I will be able to scavenger what I need for a clutch or small bag for my date. Most of my days include a carry-on sized bag for a flight or a canvas bag one would shop Ikea with - fitting all of the things one would need to get by in a day if, per chance, a nuclear bomb would blow up on 2nd street and I would not be able to return for days on end. I have a change of clothes, food, chargers for phones and bluetoothes, notebooks, pens and zip drives, cards and flyers and email lists, identification, floss (which I clearly do not use) and kleenex and yes, I have a lint roller, scissors and a Tide to go...and deoderant. But never what I need.

God love me, hate me and pity me at the same time.

It is impossible to find the few small things I will need if I have to escape the wrath of an impossible date that requires me to scale a wall to get out of. I am not Paris Hilton. Do I need electrical tape? Will the jaws of life fit into my clutch? Will the mace go off in my purse? No. Lip gloss, business cards, some cash and ID to identify my body when maimed. That is all that is required.

At 7:45, I have half an eye done and one sock on the ball of my left foot as I field phone calls and approach a deadline for the magazine. I have to sign off on one, two projects for which I am not getting paid for but love dearly because they help the common good and I can not catch a breath. I am still sweating from the one hour class I squeezed in at the studio and did not have time to wash my hair so I dry shampooed it. Yes, Pssssst is a god-send and still here in the 2000's from the 1960s. My mom used it and I use it. God bless the Ozone sucker. It has saved me...tonight.

I have pants on and a twisted bra that is testing my upper body yogic abilities to maneuver into perfect alignment and it's 8PM. Nothing fits, ever. I'm late but so is my date. I feel the pressure and fun seems like two glasses of Chardonnay away and I can't afford the calories this week.

Maybe he got into an accident. That would be bad, but I also have a new People Magazine I'd love to read.

I paste the other eye on and review...I was born and raised in NY. You can take the girl out of NY but you can't take the NY out of the girl. I hate talking about myself. Oh, that's right, it's a date. There won't be room for that.

Just so you know...I walk very fast, especially when it's cold and it's like 20 below in LA, which means its about 55 degrees. Oh, you don't know where we are going? You are following me? You asked me out and don't know where to take me. Awesome.

I watch stand up comedy before I go to bed. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord, I pissed my pants in laughter.

I have an excessive amount of lip gloss and perfumed oils.

I'm a Virgo and nothing like a Virgo. I'm a horrible planner but I organize everything from my closet to my pantry to the calories I consume. And I still can't find my keys. Oh, they're in my hand.

I love cotton, scarves and layering. I love shawl neck collars and ruffles.

I work everyday and love my work.

I love hip hop music and euro club music as well as kirtan and smooth jazz.

I sing very loudly to broadway showtunes especially in the drive through car wash. I find my greatest peace in the dark and the clean soapy swoosh of water that drowns out the notes I can't reach and I am in bliss.

Oh, I'm sorry, you need to take check your voice mail?

I spray my hair with more non yogi, Ozone trippin' spray as I uncork a bottle of white with my feet and left hand. Mama needs her wine. I'm starting to sound like my mama. And, I laugh.

Help a sister out, I scream, which is my mantra, that I speak out loud to myself often when I am in a rush and running around my cage, I mean apartment, trying to get somewhere fast.

Banana doesn't peel, help a sister out!

Sweater falls off hanger, help a sister out!

Cap falls off toothpaste and tube falls in sink amidst dirty spittle...help a sister out!!

Bracelet does not, necklace does not, dress does not clasp with one hand!!!

Help a sister out!!!

I put the foundation on. Yes, I put it on after my eyes. Why? Because I forgot. Not because it's my thing.

Powder after blush. What's my problem?

My problem? I'm not used to wearing makeup, damn it.

Phone rings, help a sister out!!!

I'm here! It's a text. Can I chain smoke my toothbrush in time?

I'm 36. Yes, 36. Did I stutter? I act and look like I'm 26 with the inner stability of a 44 year old with a family and house in the flats of Beverly Hills. Where's my house?

Wait, where are my shoes?

F-ck, where are my keys?

I can't pay my rent or health insurance but I can find and pay for that darling cardigan I'll wear forever. Insurance and rent only last a month.

I'm a girlie girl but piss and get ready faster than a guy. And I listen. And no matter how fast I'm rushing, I'm here. I'm present.

I am still trying to pretty myself up for someone, look in the mirror and think, I look like shit. Then allay my fears and think, no, you just look your age and laugh. And, at least I make myself laugh.

If I die before I wake.

My date is someone who is fine, I'm sure, but ya know what, I'm still squeezing time in for myself.

Who is kidding who?

I wanna date, but I don't have time to date for crying out loud. Give me my f-ing blog, a salad, maybe a cookie and/or a glass of wine and my netflix and I'm good.

I'm starting to mix my stories up, the same one's I've said over and over before but they are getting boring to me so I glamorize them more for drama's sake and I'm still yawning inside. I'm not hear to entertain. But I'm here all week and you still won't reach for the check.

This is too much work and I'm exhausted already and barely want to hear myself let alone you.

What did you say? You don't talk to your mom and dad? I'm really close with my family. Love them like breath, water and chocolate. You have a dog. How cute.

Where's that check?

Here's the deal. I don't want to date. I want...him.

Him is going to be the guy when all this hullaballo won't matter. Him will be where time seems seamless and it will be effortless to get together and prepare. Him will be HIM not yawning across the table from me when I've been stiffling yawns all night not to offend. Not because he's boring, but because I'm god awful tired. I don't have a day off and I'm actually ok with it. I will not be tired with him. Him will ignite sleeplessness. Him will be fit in and fine.

Him, I will wait for. Him, will WANT to ask me out and make time regardless and time will make itself apparent for both of us, tired or not, because we will be...him and her. That's how HIM and HER work. It just is. I've had it before and I will have it again. Him will find the time and so will I. Him will ask me why I wear the obvious ragged bracelet on my left wrist. Him. Him.

So, to him, I wait, but not longingly so. I have plenty of time for ME before him. But if HIM shows up, I'll be already ready and waiting, with my place and person clean and calm and hair washed with soap and water and none of this other bull-shit or obligation or weirdness. It's just NEVER weird with him and her. It never is, when it's right. So, there you go. It just happens. And it's hard. In this day and age, it just is. And the older we get, the more set in our ways and the more baggage. I only have a carry-on and a bunch of funny stories and dry shampoo. But I have a great instinct to wait for Him and not the him until then. I just don't have time for it. And neither do you.

So there. Thank you for dinner. Tomorrow's clients will pay for this nightmare and waste of a good outfit. I like you. But you are not him. And I don't want to pretend you are and you sure don't so we're done.

1AM, shut the facebook up and go to bed. 6AM, starts all over again. Every day. Tired, but fueled by passion, lost but found in service and always...

Yours...

and glamorous,

Laurie

I get it....

2010-09-15T22:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I am so grateful, don't get me wrong, but there is a part of me that is frightened. I work everyday. The pendulum has swung back from the beginning of the year where the bank account was barren. Now I'm filled with opportunity and if I say no, the pendulum might swing back. So I take what I can get and it makes me wonder. My mind wanders.

I'm so very tired. And yet, I have more energy than I've had in years because when I wake up, I know I do what I love.

On my walk home from the studio the other night, the third 14 hour day in a row, I felt peaceful, balanced, and, well, maybe a bit slap happy from the lack of sleep. But, I had good music for my soundtrack home. It was late night, quiet, dark. I was tired, exhausted.
I thought, where am I supposed to be?
Then I felt a gentle foggy sea breeze and I could feel my dad with me.
I don't know what I pictured my life to look like at this age or any age. I think I just always appreciated that I had colors to chose from and crisp canvas to create... and the freedom.

Crossing California and 2nd St., two blocks from home and sleep, I thought about how funny it was that my dad is buried on California Street in New York. He went into debt to take the family to California when I was 10 years old. That's when I fell in love with California.
I don't think I could ever leave California because I think a part of my dad is always here.
Just then, I kind of got it. Death, that is.
I have the vision of life like a light, a candle, slowly beginning to wind down and burn out.
Have you ever witnessed a candle go from a tall, robust and strong flame to a tiny, wiggly and weak bud atop the wax, till nothing?

It has a process of slowing down and burning hesitantly until finally it makes it choice into darkness. It's kind of sad and sweet.

I think about my dad.

I think about my 14 hour day.

I think about plans and how very bad I am at making them.

I think about how all that doesn't matter, because as I walk home at 10PM after working all day and getting very little sleep, I'm still a strong robust flame.

When my dad passed away, I could feel his weak little light burn out allowing the candles around him burn brighter. He infused us (my family) with what he had left so that we could shine with bright, radiant energy. I feel that. Everyday.

So, as I walk home and think about my life. I could be somewhere else, I could have more - sleep, money, success, but I'm so very glad and grateful to be right here.

light and bright,

Laurie

9/11...hmmmmmmmmmm

2010-09-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Congrats on entering your last season. I wish I could watch it but I'm sans TV since my recent break up with, um, very many material things in this still 'tough' economy.

But right now, I miss my dad.

My Mom and sis are off to the Toronto Film festival.

They go every year. Every year I have a memory of them going. Sometimes I am with them. Sometimes I am living in NY, sometimes I am living in LA, sometimes I am going off to work on a perfectly beautiful day in midtown and am then terrorized by planes flying into the twin towers and I remember it all like yesterday.

I remember it all and how it was so very sad and scary.

I knew then it would be very important. I knew it would change my life, everyone's life.

I knew that all that happened was so very, very...pertinent.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it made me selfish and look at my life in the wake of lives lost to realize that the life I was living needed to change.

If it didn't happen, I would NEVER be a teacher. I would never be teaching yoga or fitness training or writing a comic. I would NEVER be doing the things I was meant to be doing if people didn't lose their lives. I would have NEVER found my truth if their wasn't so much uncertainty in the fact that all of our lives could be taken so fast.

The temp job that I was placed in just one week prior had two locations, one was in the twin towers, one was in midtown. I was placed in midtown.

I was lucky.

And now, 9 years later, I just think of how lucky I am to continue to live my passion even though the last two years provided more loss for me than gain. More loss for me than 9/11.

And right now, I am grateful.

But, I remember, this time of year, when my mom and sister go away. And I am here and I miss my dad.

When I miss my dad, I listen to Pink Floyd, Paul Simon and Joan Baez. I think, listen, pick at my cuticles (a nervous habit I got from him) and I look to my left.

I remember him in the drivers seat, barely harmonizing, but doing his best.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I sing along while he looks ahead at the traffic and I feel love.

How I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found. The same old fears. Wish you were here.

My dad...is my muse. He's with me every moment of the day. And he's been gone over a year. 9/11 happened almost a decade ago. I didn't lose anyone there. I was there and I felt the terror close to home, but I will never know THAT loss.

Loss is loss though and in loss we can remember and gain. When the bulb of life goes off in one we love, it infuses us with more light to live our life more fully. I know this. I feel this. I don't know what 9/11 was like outside of the island of Manhattan, but in the island of my life, I understand the fear and terror of loss. Not the same, I know, but the same. No one likes to lose the one they love.

But in love and loss there is so much perspective, so much gain for all of us that have the opportunity to live. And maybe we can look at our lives and where we are at, right now and see where we can modify, change or accept where we are in gratitude that we have that ability to be whatever we'd like in life. We have life and we have choice.

In tragedy, I found my absolute truth and passion. In loss, I was infused with more spirit and fervor to achieve what I wanted and then some.

I have aspirations and I want more, but right now, I love my life and all that comes with it, trials, wins and obstacles.

In gratitude,

Lady

Overcoming Obstacles....

2010-08-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

The idea of revisiting the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina is not the most up-beat thing to talk about in a yoga class. But, I think it's important, as always, to revisit the past to see where we came from.

First - where we are now...from so long ago, New Orleans and the surrounding areas have come so far in rebuilding.

So far- the culture of the United States has banned together to see to it that we 'get back' as a community.

But also, we need to remember that WE are still in need...always.

It's a process to rebuild and five years goes fast.

And we're not out of the woods.

Woods.

We still need help.

But, where are WE at?

What trials have we had personally that fog our perspective.

The idea that our country is in need is a definite.

But we also have personal trials that we deal with on a daily basis that have just as much weight as Katrina, but they aren't newsworthy because they are our own.

In the yoga studio, we have signed a contract with our selves to come into a room and work out together what we need to progress ourselves forward.

Every single trial is just as worthy as the next, individually and communally.

So, we come to the room and work on it together. That is important.

It is important that we remember what has happened in our history as a culture so that we have the strength to work towards our future in passion and stay rooted in strength and security in the moment of our present.

Without the timeline of these moments - trials and wins, we cannot see where we are and where we are going.

I am not happy for what has happened tragically in our past and lives lost whether it be through war or natural disaster, but in this tragedy, there is a gift to bring us together in peace, see where we are in our own lives and move forward with the passion and truth and guidance in trial towards the most powerful future we can create.

Living in NYC during 9/11 was not a good time. I wasn't teaching yoga then. But those events forced me to look at my life. So many lives lost. What do I have in my life?

What do I do with my life. If so many lives weren't lost and so much destruction didn't happen, it wouldn't have made me a yoga teacher. I wouldn't have been a yoga teacher had it not been for 9/11. No question.

In destruction, we have the choice in tragedy to look at our lives, how precious and lucky we are to be breathing and living, that we make the decisions we need to make to live the best lives we can for those that didn't have the chance.

I remember Katrina. Not the happiest thing you want to bring into a yoga class when your student is running late, the car has broken down, the kid has a summer cold, you are in a fight with the husband or had an altercation with a road rager on the freeway on the way to your mat, but, it puts everything in perspective, doesn't it?

I know, as a student AND as a teacher, we all have a moment before we enter the room. To be strong enough not to judge the moments before and just work out the moments within, is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the others in class.

You have no idea...what trials someone is dealing with. Some people cry in class or yell in class or leave in class.

We all have hurricanes within us, daily. It's important that we support and encourage rebuilding from the destruction so that we can find that sweet sunny calm after the storm whether it's five years post or five minutes.

Yours,

Lady

When the dog bites...

2010-08-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Bite back!

***Warning...this is a stream of consciousness rant that needs...to come out.

Dear Oprah,

I believe that we draw certain happenings into our lives so that we can learn the lessons we need to transcend beyond our current circumstance into a higher plane of consciousness and awareness.

This includes moving on from relationships, jobs,

thrusting ourselves into a position we didn't have the strength to move on from

simply by making the decision and sticking to it in strength. Outside forces are recruited to give us the strength to press forward and onwards.

We can use an accident, an illness or a 'situation' as an excuse to move out of the something we no longer want to be a part of.

I kinda don't know what to say about my recent 'happening' other than, acknowledging its familiarity in other 'circumstances' in my life leading me to, um, here.

Here's the deal. I'm a yogi. I'm a person. I teach non-violence and peace and yet, I have been met, on multiple occasions, with violence and have needed to act accordingly.

When you are met with violence, sometimes you have to meet back to protect yourself, your physical AND emotional being.

I'm not going to get all too personal here, but I have had much guilt attached to reacting in violence out of fear for protection of myself. I think violence is wrong. And yet, I've been violent.

Not by choice, but by animal instinct when I'm threatened, even in the most peaceful and harmonious state.

When faced with fear for your life, you act in ways that don't fit the 'norm' for your everyday life and what you strive for.

You do what you can in an instant...to survive, as it is, as it was and as it should be.

I've lost a lot over the last few years but very much see the abundance in the loss. The idea that this loss has forced me to be creative in gain has been so beneficial for me. Losing a relationship of 7 years, a father, clients that I've loved for many years, jobs, furniture, cable, insurance, days off. All this loss has gained true friends, true passion and a new life and perspective that I don't know if I would have had the strength to make happen without the loss.

Situations have thrust me into change my present state and awareness couldn't decide on its own in strength.

...and little sleep, but the momentum of passion...keeps me awake.

So.

Not sure, but pretty sure I know why what happened yesterday happened.

It was a normal, long day, full of work and obligations. It was day that left me with enough time to enjoy one of the one things I absolutely LIVE for, running on the beach.

One of the things I enjoy is the routine. I know my path. I mix it up, but I know it. I mix up my intervals, my iPod, but certain things remain the same. I see the locals. The old Indian guy with the happy stride and the Google t-shirt. The young tanned man in the baseball cap and the beautiful golden retriever. He tosses the tennis ball and the dog...retrieves it.

The homeless lady with the eternal sunburn and peaceful demeanor and camel toe.

The lady with the visor and full on sweat suit no matter how hot or cold it is. The pretty lady with the long curly hair that power walks. The old guy with the dog with no back legs and happy smile, the homeless guys at the foot of Entrada, permanently leather tanned, laughing and chain smoking.

I don't know any of these people intimately but I look forward to seeing them all because they are my people. They look forward to the same thing I do, the sun as it sets and the sea as it beams in it's reflection. The long day lost in another fine and magnificent closure. Peace. Yoga.

I'm the crazy girl with lots of energy that jumps over things and skips by the sea. I know I embody fun and love and experience of union, yoga with the outdoors and myself.

Someone always gives me a smile, a thumbs up or an, I'll have what you are having.

We are the same and we don't know each other at all.

Yesterday was a good day. I did good work and shared and even had time to reconnect with people, get a haircut and feel a bit pampered in the process.

I looked forward to my run above all else and my new mix of music on my iPod.

My feet felt good and so did I.

Lean and light.

Out of nowhere, everything changed. I was threatened and in an instant, feared and lost the last thing I held dear to me.

My one truest of all true loves, the one thing I had to keep me connected to myself in all this loss was not yoga on the mat, but yoga in running. Running on the beach made me feel safe when I lost everything else. It was MY yoga.

Don't you EVER take that away from me.

It's gone.

I was nearing my last mile, just at sunset, passing the homeless guys, my 'regulars'.

Out of nothing and nowhere, they’re dog leapt on top of me.

I don't remember anything...until later.

When I tried to sleep at 11, 12, 1, 3, 5 and woke up for my day.

I remember grabbing the dog by its face and tearing him and part of my thigh off of me.

A flash. A conscious panic, attack.

My other hand braced my fall and bikers and roller bladers slid to move away from me.

I was listening to a horrible mistake of a downloaded song called; you look better when I'm drunk.

I couldn't get my iPod to turn off. All I could hear were screams that didn't seem human to me and they were coming from me. I saw myself outside of myself.

They weren't horror film screams. They were screams of terror and survival as I used the same hand that braced my fall, full of blood, to protect my face.

aand..

annd...

andd...

Thought - going to die.

Thought- this is it.

Too cute,

Too young,

Too old,

Help,

Paul Simon,

Hope.

I want a baby.

Pain,

Fear.

Call me.

Move.

balance my check book.

Coldplay, rush of cold blood to the head.

Blood.

pay my debts.

Act - protect, hit, throw, move.

FREEZE.

Did I give enough?

Stop.

Nothing.

Smell the Jasmine.

Salt.

Sting.

Quiet.

Don't be another brick in the wall.

I hit a brick wall.

I want a cigarette.

Crescendo.

Still.

Then...

Movement,

Very fast.

Don't remember.

Remember later.

Forget.

Freeze.

Om tat savitur varenyam

bhargo devasya dhimahi

dhiyo yo nah pracodayat.

-'May we attain the glory of god'

ambivalence

Freeze.

Shake.

Can't stop shaking.

Shut off iPod and the homeless guy

Grabs the dog.

lokah samastha sukhinoh bhavantu

-may all beings feel peace.

Pathos.

I hear, give her some space, just give her a minute!

I don't know what a minute feels like.

I need many minutes to bring me back to me.

I see in the shadow of the sun setting, a hand reaching toward me.

Shanti, shanti, shanti.

-peace, peace, peace.

give me some minutes. A bunch to add up and save for one full day of "The Golden Girls" or Lifetime movies in bed and cookie dough.

Can't afford the time.

The calories.

Life.

stop!

I remember the time at the Jersey Shore when I was taken by the sea so fast, swept by an undertow I thought for certain would take my heavy set life.

Just as soon as that thought...in an instant, my dad reaches his hand down, lifeguard style and takes me back from the Atlantic thief that tried to take me away from him.

They took you away from me.

For an instant, I thought it was my dad, until the noise in my head quieted and it was.... Rick, the roller blader. He helps me up.

Every thing is fast, then really slow, then fast again.

All the noise was so loud that it was quite. You know, like static. It was so loud I couldn't hear.

Lucid dream.

He takes my hand and smiles and in the silhouette of the sun behind him, it is my dad.

He lets go my hand and we walk a few paces and keep tapping hands and holding slightly the way new lovers do, but it was me reaching for savior, for daddy, for help, for connection, for gratitude, for, I really don't know what the heck I was thinking, but he was their to receive it all and let me have his hand.

He did all the talking for me, calmed me down and took me to the lifeguard.

I was a little kid again with a quivering lower lip, but swearing words I don't think I knew before just then. And, maybe I had just made these words up.

I swore to the Lord.

Shiva.

Its so beautiful here.

Jai ma.

I have a great update for my face book.

Did I pee my pants?

No.

Lifeguard seems high.

Iodine.

Ouch.

How beautiful, the sun.

Am I a good person?

How painful this experience.

Fear.

Ouch.

Lord.

Is Rick single?

Not my type.

What's wrong with you? You did this.

You are ok.

Thank you thank you thank you.

He walked me back to talk to the homeless guys, got their names and info about the dog,

did he have his shots?

Lifeguard was bitten by a dog in Ecuador.

Rabies. You can die in 24 hours.

I've never been to Ecuador.

What is Ecuador known for?

I want chocolate.

My heart rate is 144 and I'm still.

He told me what I should do next and made my mind ease up.

Emergency room.

Red, orange, pink.

Look at the sun.

This is my bliss.

This is terror.

My final respite.

My life is here.

You fight to hard to be here.

How could you hurt me so?

I love you so much.

It's not your fault.

Must love dogs.

I did what I had to do.

No, thank you.

My name is John.

Two Johns.

The dog is Duke.

They have no teeth.

He has his shots.

Duke had teeth.

I felt them.

Duke's is the place I went with my cousin Barbara when I was 10 and fat on a family trip to California.

I fell in love with you then, when I was ten and fat.

Duke.

Dukes was called Carlos and Pepes when I was 10.

I love to drink water.

I'm a California girl.

I will always be a New Yorker.

Even in California.

Goodbye Rick.

Go to the emergency room.

Call your doctor.

Don't call Kathy.

Call Kathy.

She will call you back because you are sad.

Listen to the song.

Find the song on your iPod that reminds you of daddy.

And watch the sun.

cancer.

And sob.

Sob like there is no tomorrow.

I walk home by myself, crying the whole way home with people looking at me like I was crazy, blood down my leg and gauze on my thigh.

I walk home and run every few moments with searing pain everywhere but a heart that is pumping harder than when I was in my peak zone and I just want my mommy.

My mommy.

Thought - mommy.

Daddy.

cancer.

Not mom. I'm an adult and she's mom now.

There is no daddy.

Daddy?

Nope, she's mommy.

I want my mommy.

You always hurt the ones you love.

The ones you love, people, dogs, sunsets and beaches always hurt you. Love, but not too much.

Toughen up, Laur.

Your name isn't Laur anymore.

You are Lady.

I want to cry and be a baby and be scared.

God. Damn. Daddy.

I call the paramedics and they come to survey the wound. I call the police and animal control to follow up on the dog.

Pleasantries. Humor in hell. Always entertaining and making others feel at ease as I am dying inside.

Duke.

My dad went into debt to make California happen.

He's buried on California Avenue in New York.

I live in California.

I love in California.

I love New York.

I'm bleeding.

I'm alone.

I wish I had wine.

No wine.

You can deal with the pain.

Everyone is kind and accommodating and the paramedics that come to my door are handsome in their uniforms and it is more men than I have ever had come to my apartment.

I'm lonely.

They are married. Because I look at their fingers.

How sad. They will leave and I will eat my soup and take a bath and pretend to rest.

I wait for the music to start and wait for them to take their shirts off, but none such luck, just bandages and smiles and you'll be ok.

I talk to my mommy, several times that night and she tells me that she thinks my life is a shit storm.

Like, how many more things can happen to me?

I think its funny.

It just makes me a better yogi, person.

Lots of crap. I need to crap. What the crap?

But in that crap night last night, I got clarity.

I've felt guilt in the past for acting in ways I had to defend myself physically, thinking it was my fault or that I was wrong.

But in the heat of attack, you do what you do.

You can be in bliss and when attacked, do what you do.

So, for all of those times I've been attacked before, there is no more guilt.

It took this dog.

Duke.

Because I see now that I do what I can do to survive. And sometimes, that means violence. Ripping someone off of you or hitting him or her to get off of you. It's ok, even in yoga.

I was in yoga last night.

I was in the moment, present, out of body and in animal. Get. That. Animal. Off. ME.

I didn't have to pay a therapist to teach me this.

But I clearly needed this lesson several times on my path of being a yogi, teaching non-violence and peace to understand that sometimes, you have to bite back.

Sometimes you have to fight back. You have to understand violence and non-violence to teach the difference.

Yoga means union of both. You need both to exist. You need to experience both to teach it.

And, this was a dog. But people can use words. They can make you feel bad for doing what you did. Dogs can't say anything and I don't feel bad for hitting him and grabbing him and throwing him off me from fear.

And I don't feel bad about the other times either. Not anymore.

From the people that made me feel otherwise.

I am peace and I live peace. But, don't attack me, because I will fight back.

I'm scared. Because, I never thought I'd be attacked again. But I was. And I fought. And I have scars. And I have bruises. And I have PTSD. And I teach Yoga. And I teach from experience.

And I can't say anything else because it's too close to me.

But I can say that if you read to the end of this. Thank you.

I'm sorry for acting violently. But I'm not sorry.

I did what I could to survive.

I will never feel bad again for that.

I will never have anyone make me feel bad for reacting in the way that I needed to survive.

I know it's not yoga on the mat. It's yoga in life.

Don't re-act in anger when you don't have to. Don't react unless your life depends on it. Reaction is minutia unless you have to fight to protect yourself.

All reaction is your body's way of digesting a circumstance. Let it get through you. You have to live that as fully as you would peace to understand the difference between the two.

My karma.

It takes me to the next level on my path. Not the most pleasant, but perhaps I chose this to force me into change of circumstance.

Thanks for reading.

I'm still processing and this is all just coming out because it needs to.

It's like gas, you must let it out.

Gratitude, healing, bright yellow and pink sun, dark blue and purple bruises.

Yoga.

Lady/Laurie

All we are saying is....

2010-08-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

^{Dear Oprah,
You still haven't come to take my class. I'm waiting. Nicole Kidman and Alicia Silverstone have taken my class...multiple times. They have both been on your show, so what's the hold up?
I think you will like the new direction my classes are taking.
Each class I look to a time in history and relate it to our time now, on the mat and in life.
I take quotes from authors, musicians, politicians, philosophers, yogis and super smart people that say cool things and reference that time or cultural emotion in history and pepper them in as I guide you through your practice.

When you look back, you can see how far you have come.
When you look back, you can see where you are now.
When you look back, you can better see where to go next.
You can be in the present moment with the past and present beside you.

It's easy to see the yoga in history, in our culture, whether you have ever stepped into a studio or not.

My last few blogs are a testament to that.

Yoga is a part of our cultural fabric. It's a business, an advertisement, a way of life.
It's in your heart and on your TV.
Technology and life is moving so swiftly, we can hardly catch a breath and catch up to our advances. Everyone has heard of, done or is practicing yoga in some way shape or form. And we look cute doing it. We are advancing in mind, body and spirit.
But, we are still challenged.
Honestly, it would suck if there wasn't a challenge.
Staying rooted, grounded in simplicity is difficult when we are consistently drawn in many directions...and think we have to look cute doing it.

So, as a teacher, I look back.

Our challenge, if we chose to accept it, is learn from our mistakes historic, anatomical or emotional, from the place we fall or fail and get back up again and try.
We are always in practice. Every day.
In history, we celebrate, but we also remember the mistakes we made along the way so that we can move forward in a wiser, more peaceful way towards success.
When we do this, we return to the now, learn and become better people, together as one.

The last class, we remembered a tragic event in history. But, we took the event, the bombing of Hiroshima to remember the great mistake we made and lives lost, see the error of our ways and understand that war is not only in neighboring countries we only see on the news, but on the road in the car next to us, our spouse in the bed next to us, or within ourselves as we learn to expand our ability to love and share that love fully.

Each day you fall or fail to love yourself or your neighbor, is an opportunity to learn from and try again, to love again.

So, it is this week that we celebrate the anniversary of an historical event that changed rock and roll history, the Woodstock Music Festival.

Over 40 years ago on August 15, 16 and 17, 1969, what was just a simple idea, spread like wildfire in upstate New York and became 3 days of peace and music.

I see....YOGA! (insert Oprah voice here)

The 60s were a tumultuous decade. I wasn't around, but the assassination of JFK kept the world glued to the TV for days and made the country uneasy as to where we were headed.
In Vietnam there was a war with so many lives lost and questions unanswered that protests and rallies became an every day occurrence. Revolt within our own country began to separate us like oil and water.
Racial issues were abundant and in the first time in history, the media 'drafted', for lack of a better word, so much attention to this separation that we were all clearly aware that there was an 'us' and 'them'.
We wondered... where are our priorities as a community and power? How can we move forward, so divided and so hurt?
So, WE did something about it. Well, my parents did. We listened but we acted.
The longing for equality beat like a drum from the core of the earth and made waves throughout, sounding loudly, "WE NEED CHANGE."
Then, for three days, the world stood still.
There was a small idea, some money, a space.
Then it became 32 musical acts, 500K concert goers, unbelievable chaos in traffic and sanitary conditions and they all...got along peacefully.
Janis Joplin, The Who, The Grateful Dead, Joan Baez, Creedence Clearwater, Crosby Stills, Young and Nash, The Band, Blood Sweat and Tears, Sly and the Family Stone, Jimi F-ing Hendrix and dozens more played sang their hearts out to the idealistic hopes of the 60's and the promise of a peaceful loving tomorrow, that the 'hippy' generation, their kids and their kids kids are still celebrating, making films and talking about till this day.
An event with such small promise inspired events like Lilith, Lallapalooza, Burning Man, The Horde festival and numerous others.
The idea of celebrating our likeness and differences in a communal way in times of peace and war can only be called....
YOGA!!!

Woodstock was not a cure all, but the energy created must be recognized as one of the many catalyst of that time for positive change.

The challenge of physical postures can be enough in a yoga practice, but when you place your downward dog on the mat, you can also place your pose on the pulse of a society that is always in yoga, moving forward in a flowing rate that is staggering, but amazing to witness and be a part of as a catalyst for positive change. We are all a part of the change. In strength and weakness. In success and failure. In sickness and in health, till death do us part. In history and in the future. It is up to us to decide how we are now, to effect the rest of how WE play out.
And how we feel changes every day.
What we do effects everything.
When we are challenged, choose to celebrate.
When you don't know where you are going or you are at war with someone or yourself, come to a place where you can commune with others, like minded and different and strike a pose, grab your surf board and head to the sea, meet some old friends for a cocktail or hang out in the kitchen with your old neighbor that smells like Lysol and talks too much about her cockapoo and share a cup of tea over some Oprah. Whatever you chose, make it one YOU want and DECIDE to make that decision and ACTION towards positive change.

Chances are, because you have shared space and created positive energy with others, you will be fueled and fired up to share that energy with others.

A little goes a long way. A good moment created by you, catapults the next moment into goodness. An unwise, negative action only depletes you and those around you and that sucks, gets you stuck, makes you tired and creates fine lines and wrinkles.

To think we don't have an effect is silly.

We have a responsibility, to ourselves and each other...
to do and be the best we can and spread it like wild fire.
always.
But, it ain't easy.
When you show up to class in a good or bad mood, late or early, you have signed in at the front desk, yes?
When you sign in to take an hour and a half practice you have signed your name up on a list with many others.
Think of that signature as a contract.
You have drafted yourself, chosen yourself, selected this moment to put yourself...
in a contract for peace.
Whether you achieve that at the end of the session is up to you.
No pressure.
Keep practicing.
Keep signing up.
Keep communing with others to create that change YOU want to see, in yourself as well as others.
It has an effect.
And Oprah, come to my dang class, will you? It's been long enough.
...give peace a chance.
~Laurie aka Lady Yoga}

The day the sun rose twice...

2010-08-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

That title sounds beautiful, right?

Well, I wasn't around 65 years ago when that statement meant something altogether different.

Get some popcorn and go to the bathroom. This is a long one. I tried to edit it down, but so much needed to be said, so suck it up, prepare and hunker down for a good blog.

There's no commercial break...are you ready? Ok.

Today marks the 65^th year passing of the bombing of Hiroshima. The day the sun rose twice. Once with the sun, the second with the first nuclear attack, from our country to that of Japan. One of the greatest projects of destruction destroyed lives for decades to come and we remember.

Way to start a blog, right? You should see me at cocktail parties.

How 'bout this...

War is like sex, it ignites such a blushed conversation of fervor and passion that can exhaust both parties involved and if lucky, might result in freedom and release.

I tried.

I mention this tragic moment in history, IN CLASS, so we can process, as yogis and just plain regular people, the idea of war and peace, hatred and acceptance, pain and pleasure and mentally mend our attachment to those polarites, moving forward with the intention of balance and YOGA.

Mistakes have been made in history. Mistakes are made every day. The best thing you can do is learn and move forward.

How many times have you come to a class after having a fight with someone or an altercation on the road or with a co-worker? Just me? Yea, I didn't think so.

And, as soon as we get to the studio and lay our mats down, we are prepared to digest that moment or move on, shake it off and let it go.

There is war. There is peace. But there is the middle path which is choice.

It's the space between where we can find the decision to act in right. The space between breath, the pause between action and the moment between flow postures in a class are all lessons to find the balance between war and peace, muscular constriction and stretch, challenge and letting go, you and me and find the balance.

So often in life we live in these extremes. We are in summer time when heat and sun is in full bloom. We rush to the beach for fun in the sun, but also feel the opposite polarity of the heat which breeds anxiety, anger and frustration. It is in the summertime, when the sun has made its full circle around the earth, that we are forced to reflect on our own path around as individuals and a community. We long for the lunar, moon side of our beings to kick in and balance us out. Reflection, meditation, all key. That and eating light, hydrating, you know the drill. I digress.

I'm back.

I look at history, both tragic and celebratory as a way to gain perspective on the practice of yoga.

Let's explore as we cross another deep anniversary of something that happened so long ago. We might feel removed from history and that's fine, but you can't help but revisit the IDEA of it as something that changed the fabric of our country and in turn, our community.

We might not see war so closely beside us like our neighbors abroad, but we feel it with our mates, on the road, with ourselves.

We are challenged daily to decide if we want to act, react or witness.

When I was preparing this very class, I was alarmed at all the symbols making themselves available for me to blog about and discuss.

I took a class at the new studio where I'm working and teaching. It's a HOT studio, meaning they heat the room up to challenge the mind and warm up the muscles in a way that is intense and vigorous, gets you to move through the muddle of the mind and toxins in the body towards PEACE.

This is a relatively new practice for me. But I was so happy to practice with one of my favorite teachers, a fellow New Yorker, tragically cute and immensely gifted.

In the midst of his teaching, a student broke her practice and scolded the teacher for not sticking to anatomical cueing. The guy talks very fast and uses humor and great visualizations to get you into a pose. I actually thought he might have been extra caffeinated that day, but it didn't bother me. It clearly bothered her and in turn, the students around her as we stood still in horror at her out burst. I was impressed with the teacher's ability to acknowledge her outburst, take it in and continue in a seamless way that left us no room but to do the same. I admire this skill. Had it been me, I don't know if I would have run out the door crying or staggered over my speech. But he handled it with an admirable grace. A gift and a lesson.

Cut to, another teacher at the studio. He was signing in students for his class and a bit frustrated that there weren't many people coming to the class. He, too, is gifted, but you could sense the slight doubt in his air that might have made him think otherwise. Never let them see you sweat...even in a hot yoga studio. I don't want to know that there is any doubt in my teacher's mind, period.

And yet, here I am, with ten certifications and ten years under my belt and I have such doubt surrounding my ability to teach this form of yoga that I can't help but try, because, a. I always do things that scare the crap out of me and b. I find this form of yoga, the structure in it and the woman who is training me to be the most inspiring, transformational and important teaching I have done to date. Just sayin'. And I've jumped out of planes, swung on a trapeze, run marathons, lost a ton of weight and lived in China and THIS scares the crap out of me. But, I digress.

I'm back.

So I see this talented teacher and I empathize.

Finally, I was going for my morning run on the beach. It was one of those unseasonably gloomy mornings that hung around all day. As I left my apartment I saw this man coming toward me with anger in his eyes. Just moments later, I saw a woman running towards him, butt and face clenched and she went up towards his face. They both grasped at one another and pushed and pulled. I could feel the rage as I ran past them and shivered at the energy I so clearly took in while in passing.

The idea of a nuclear bombing today, is terrifying. And just as easily as I reflect on the past, do I witness the conflict in others and myself, see the fear, but also the potential to move forward from that conflict and find a resolution that breeds understanding, patience, empathy and love.

Can we say, YOGA!?

I don't think I heard you.

Is this thing on?

We come to the mat with what we come with. We have our own personal reasons and intentions behind why we practice. Sometimes it is terrifying and it is through that terror that we break through to the other side.

We observe war on the news, on the street, within ourselves. It is in yoga where we have the opportunity to work out and resolve issues from a place of calm and understanding, without judgement.

In the observation, if we are present and aware in body and spirit, we can surmise the value of what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is evil.

So often we go to react mode. We act on instinct before taking the pause necessary to act right in principle.

We might be attacked and attack back with words or fists.

Or, we might take in an attack and let it diffuse into the ether and earth to regenerate into something altogether different, like I witnessed with the first teacher.

We can't take our actions and reactions back, but we can train ourselves to take the pause necessary to chose the right way, the way of peace to get through our own tumult.

It is human and animal nature to protect - material and emotional grounds. We stand for what we believe is right. But we can chose to protect and stand for things by choosing kindness as the way.

I had a conversation with a friend recently about confrontation. She said she doesn’t like it. It’s uncomfortable. I said, I had no problem with confrontation, because I always try to come from a place of compassion and understanding when I confront. Confrontation is NOT a bad word. There is nothing wrong with confronting someone on how you feel in a moment. How you feel is your choice. If you feel because of the way someone has behaved, it is your right to open up the dialog to discussion of that feeling. The other person's reaction to that, is their choice.

If I feel like I’m being snapped at, misunderstood or met with anger, I tell the other person how I am feeling. I don’t tell them that THEY made me feel a certain way, but that I feel a certain way by what they did or what they said.

9 times out of ten I am met with defensiveness.

It’s scary. I don’t know if it’s the NY in me or the way my mom raised me, but I don’t meet anger with anger. It gets me nowhere. That much I know. It only gives me fine lines and wrinkles and really, I can’t afford botox, even at my young old age. But, I digress.

I'm BACK!

And, I confront. I tell someone what’s up and whatever I’m met with is what I’m met with. If I let it bottle up, it's like holding in a fart, just plain uncomfortable. Think about that the next time you are met with something that makes you feel uneasy and speak up!!

It can be scary. Not hundreds of thousands of casualties scary but scary nonetheless and nuclear in feeling. Don't underestimate the power of your own war witnessed or otherwise.

The bombing of Hiroshima is insurmountable, but that extreme trickles down to the daily challenges we are met with. These challenges can all build to an extreme if not dealt with and diffused properly in the moment.

We deal with the moment through choice of peace. Others will follow and we change the world.

And that's not idealistic. That's simple fact.

When I was working at the studio, days later, there was a woman who came out of class in the middle of it and sat down at the bench in front of my desk. She said the class was too hard. The person who was teaching was the same teacher that was snapped at days before.

The woman told me that she liked the teacher so much she didn't want to leave the room, but the heat was getting to her and making her emotional. It was her first yoga class ever. I congratulated her for coming to this particular studio, a studio that among hundreds of studios in LA is one of the very special that creates a loving, nurturing environment of support.

I told her that she should feel proud of herself for getting through as much of the class as she did on her first time in such intensity. She said that she had so much emotion in her that she wanted to cry. There was no one else in the room with us. I told her that she should cry and let it out because it had to come out. If she didn't let it out, it would find some other place in her body to take up residence and make her unhappy. If she let it out, she could move on and past her emotion to a better place. I gave her a cold towel and she gave me a thank you. She went back into the room and told me later that the teacher changed her life. She would be back. I saw her the next day.

The teacher did not witness this, but I did. He witnessed the outburst and I witnessed the change.

I shared this with him and I understood the polarity of war and peace.

The student who had the outburst was not bursting at the teacher but at herself. She was dealing with her own war within and it had to come out. Her out burst scared me but that was my choice. To nurture the other woman, in a place of vulnerability was a place I understood and could communicate with. I could now look at the angry woman, days later, with the perspective I had for the woman how cried. I could soften my mind from fear to a place of compassion.

It's just another way of getting it out. And the yoga room SHOULD be the place we feel safe to work it all out.

I told the teacher who doubted himself that it just takes one - one person to spread the word that he is amazing and they all would follow. For him to teach like a rock star with one is a testament to his teaching in a room with many.

I don't know if he understood what I said, because just as his doubt seeped in, the masses showed up for his class. As usual, the students left his class better than when they came in.

It is his choice how he feels with one or with many.

Yoga, as science and philosophy, has been around for thousands of years, through war time and peace time through times of abundance and desperation...AND the space and time between, choice.

Even in both polarities, we have the choice on how we want to respond.

The space between is that time we DON'T talk about. We don't often see and hear about the blissful transition to peace but we should.

It doesn't make the news or our calls home to mom. The savored space of bliss is usually shared individually and sacredly. It's when the shit hits the fan that EVERYONE hears about it and discussion ensues. We make reality shows about the craziness.

Chose peace. Make peace a habit and others will follow.

It takes one smile from a stranger to produce ten more in a day. It takes one grocery clerk to engage you in conversation rather than ignore you to turn a dull, sad, challenging day into a day of hope and happiness.

Do not underestimate the power of being good.

Start good and kind and let whatever ‘happens’, whatever you are confronted with, let it roll off you so you can produce more good. It is so difficult to be angry. It is much easier to be kind. It’s softer on the nervous and digestive system and has a ripple effect that effects hundreds of thousands. Turn casualties in to celebrations.

I taught this class and discussed the idea of working through great tragedy, personal war and finding peace.

I walked home to the happy music on my ipod (Broadway show tunes, of course), arms filled with fresh veggies and fruit for dinner and surrounded by the warmth and light of an especially sunny and fabulous day in Santa Monica. The smile on my face was impenetrable. I crossed the street and noticed this beaming couple pull up to the light on their bikes. I faced my smile towards them. Ahh, love. The were smiling at each other. Their smiled met mine. They looked familiar and I thought for a moment, I might know them. Perhaps they came to one of my classes. Perhaps they were on tv...it is LA.

And two blocks later, perhaps and smiles became tears streaming down my eyes.

The beaming love was the couple I saw just days before on that gloomy morning, fighting with each other.

I didn't cry for war, but I cried for peace and the pure bliss in witnessing such a transformation. So many transformations and reflections in one week. And I was beside myself, in both polarities and lessons learned.

And, you can't write this shit. But I just did.

The sun rose twice that day, 65 years ago in tragedy.

The sun rose twice for me, this week, in peace.

Grateful,

Laurie

In God we trust...

2010-07-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah...

You will never look at money the same again.

As I start to cross over my blogs from writing to you and writing as, um, a superhero at ladyyoga.org (lady yoga, superhero), it is important to mention...ad nauseum that my mission is to bring yoga into the everyday. By that, I am starting to do a little more research as a yogi, and not with Rumi or Paramahansa Yogananda, but in our history as a people, culture and country.

My classes are starting to form an historical theme these days as I look at my days ahead and look back at history created. It's important to be in the present moment, yes, but it's important to bring up that yoga is in every fibre of our being from past to present and consequently, our future. In reality, it has no attachment to any teacher, guru, tradition or so forth, but is in everything you do, if you chose to observe it.

So, if you happen to take my class over the last month or so, you will see a change. A change that brings the moments together in the present. A change that reminds us where we came from, where we are going and the appreciation of where we are RIGHT NOW.

History is, um, historic. Um, metaphoric. Uh, momentous. We match our lives with what happens in history. We mark our lives with holidays and birthdays. We live our life in history and occasion.

So, it is today, that we mark as a country, the motto, In God We Trust.

Eisenhower adopted this motto for the US in '56. even though it had been printed on coins and such since the Civil War. In 1782 we adopted E Plurbis Unum - Latin meaning One from Many, one from many parts or from many - one which is by definition, Yoga.

God, by definition on google or in the good old dictionary, has many names: Krishna, Allah, Yaheweh/El, Lakshmi, Creator, Moon, Sun, Supreme. Whether its from the Bible, the RigVeda, the Kabbalah, the Talmud/Torah/Tanakh, we all long and speak and tell stories of the higher being guiding all of us to be the best people we can be and live in his/her light.

In God/Allah et al we trust.

Trust, by definition on google or in the good old dictionary reveals synonyms like belief, confidence, faith, hope, care, duty and protection.

It does not matter what religious affiliation you have, we all believe...in something...even if you are atheist. You believe in something.

When we come to the mat or go to the gym, we are armed with our day. We know, at this point, that every day is different. We are fueled by different energies, from people, food, circumstance. Whether we've had eight hours of sleep or are listening to a new set list on our iPods, our work-outs and practices change daily.

If we enlist TRUST in the higher purpose for why we do our practice or work outs, our benefits will be evident and fuel the fire within us to do what we do, from mat to life.

Sometimes, it's difficult to wrap our minds around the idea that we have to enlist trust in anything other than ourselves to get things done, but as we can see as a people, culture, denomination, individual, we must trust to get ourselves to the next level.

We must trust in the hand that lifts our ankle and holds us in mid air in a handstand. We must trust our gut to make the decision that moves our passion and momentum forward and we must trust in those we love even if we get hurt, to continue to love and try again.

We must fall and be hurt to trust again.

We must feel pain to feel pleasure.

We must feel loss to feel gain.

We must look at our dollars and cents with the statement 'in god we trust' as we do ALL of our exchanges of energy, money, passion, service, gratitude, effort, strength and emotion and feel the power that we have when we use it.

We must use that power always as an offering to "God, the divine, YOURSELF, your highest purpose, your loved ones, Yahweh, Allah, Lakshmi, and the like"

We are all GOD and we must trust ourselves as we do that divine. As we do our money. As we do our banks, our IRAs and 401Ks as abundant or lack of abundance we feel.

Trust it and you will feel the power.

You will never look at money the same again.

Try a new posture in your yoga class or take it up a notch in your cardio interval training. Push yourself to challenge and say, in God (or insert belief here) we trust!

And when you buy your latte or pay your bill or buy a homeless woman a sandwich, you will know, you have trusted and succeeded in that...even if it's on credit.

Fall out of a posture in your yoga class or stop the treadmill before you get weary. Call your credit card company for an extended payment and know that you can trust in God and the divine to take care of yourself in practice and in life.

Look at everything around you from the money to the laugh you exchange with a friend and know that yoga, energy is around you and surrounding you...on and off the mat.

The check is in the mail.

Trust me.

Falling out of handstand,

Lady aka Laurie

4 3 2 1 Earth below us drifting falling floating weightless calling calling home...

2010-07-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Finally, we landed on the moon! Did you hear? Well, in this week in history, almost 4 decades ago we reached technological advances we didn't think possible. And to think, I still can't figure out how to tweet but we've been to the moon and back a bunch o' times.

Back in '61 Kennedy made a goal that we would reach the moon by the end of the decade.

On July 19th, 1969, we did just that.

Setting goals is important and when you have it clear in the mind and said out loud for all to hear, well you better figure it out or you'll be in troubbbblleee!

After much trial and error, preparation and failure, we made “One small step for man and one giant leap for mankind,” Neil Armstrong.

In yoga, even the most basic posture for you might be like flying to the moon for another. We all have our moon to reach and no matter where we are in yoga or our life path, it's important that we have something to reach for.

Mistakes, falling, failure, it's all part of the deal for you to reach for the stars. If it were easy, it would have been done in '61. Think about how far we have come as a culture. Think about how far yoga has come. How popular is yoga? It's everywhere. I'm so used to seeing students surpass my own practice when I teach that I'm always surprised but so happy to see someone come into a yoga class and say it's their first time. One small step....

Now that we are in the belly of the summer, it's ironic that we are drawn to tap into the lunar side of our yoga practice. The sun is high and hot and we're all fired up, so it's important now more than ever to tap into our moon energy. I know, so yogi, but really, the cooler, more passive, female, contemplative side of our energy is important to channel and sow now so that we can tackle the rest of our year at an even and manageable pace, one small step at a time.

My goal for my new comic strip, Lady Yoga was for people to like it enough to tear it off and put it on their fridge. Now that people are doing that, well, it’s time for another goal!

Begin at the beginning.

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." - Louis L'Amour.

There will always be more to do. More to achieve. More planets to visit and no, LA does not count as another planet people.

Start here and build. Keep building and achieve.

Keep achieving and begin again. It’s all part of the process and the great big fabric of your existence.

Think about the left side of your body. Close off the right nostril and breathe only through the left for several repetitions, pausing at the top and bottom of each inhale and exhale to calm your energy if you feel over heated. Rest on the right side of your body to tap into your MOON!

Set the goal and know that there is no rush to get there, only preparation and pacing.

Just take a moment to look back at where you came from, how far you have come in your life and that each step you make, calmly and peacefully, will lead you toward that giant leap in your passion, your life, your yoga and mankind.

Landing weightless and yours truly,

Lady aka Laurie

http://www.good.is/post/project-create-an-infographic-about-childhood-obesity-submissions/

2010-07-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

My super talented cousin has composed a graphic design that'll knock your socks off. Log in and comment for this Uber talented lady and get her to the whitehouse!!

Peace - the crash course...

2010-07-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Today is the anniversary of the invention of the 'peace sign'.

On this day in history back in 1941 Winston Churchill dubbed the V sign for victory representing our success in World War 2. The sign was then made popular by Nixon representing success and victory of his presidency and then spread like wild fire among baby boomers and hippies protesting the Vietnam War and flashing the sign representing the idea of peace. The sign has stuck around in culture as that same sign of peace and victory with the palm facing outwards. The palm facing inwards means something altogether different in other cultures and we won't waste our time here chatting about that.

In yoga, we put our fingers in certain positions or mudras to ignite certain feelings of peace and other blissful emotions during meditation. The pinky represents water, the ring, earth, the middle, space, the pointer - air and the thumb - fire.

Smiling Buddha Meditation uses the 'Peace' sign but it was invented generations prior to it's cultural popularity by placing the thumb, ring and pinky together, while leaving the pointer and middle to form the peaceful V. The mudra has many names but traditionally it is called Kapitthaka mudra and it begins with the V together on an exhale then apart as you inhale...PEACE. It stimulates the wisdom and emotion aligned with moving out fear and welcoming in success, peace and bliss.

Also dubbed, the fearless meditation, it is a wonderful mudra, time in history and technique to do now that we are moving into the belly of summer when the heat is high.

With that heat comes the fun in the sun, but it also brings up a fire and aggravation in many that is obvious around town.

It's difficult to remain cool when everything around us is heating up making it easy for us to heat up our tempers and disposition.

Breathing deeply and practicing this simple mudra, inhaling to open peace and closing to move out fear. Even if you can't do it physically, remember the idea mentally when you get riled up by emotions that might happen externally in our world outside the yoga mat.

Remember, the middle finger is involved, but perhaps when you are cut off in traffic, you might decide to let the pointer finger join in with your motion to flip someone off with the peace sign instead of, well, just the other finger. Keep the palm facing outwards and you won't let their aggressive energy into your sphere of consciousness, awareness, bliss and peace.

Take that road rager!! and peace be with you.

Yours,

Lady Yoga aka Laurie Searle

You spin me right round baby, right round...

2010-06-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,
Happy Summer!
It's Summer babies and the sun has spun its magic core and rays right round us full circle.
Celebrate it's path and reflect on your own full circle and path of your life. This is the longest day of the year and when the energy we put forth is as strong as the sun beating upon us.
It's also a great time of reflection and stripping down, literally of clothing and tasks as we put our energy towards opening the windows and our souls to fresh air and new possibilities.
Perhaps a new romance, a new book, a new career path?
The sun has made it's loop around the earth and any novice or expert will tell you that no path the sun makes around is a perfect circle or the same path each year.
Much like us as human beings. We make goals and have dreams but as we are on our path, those goals and dreams shift with us.
As we look back at our paths while looking ahead, fully lit but UVA protected, it is common for us to go full speed into the tapas or heat in Sanskrit, not the appetizers at your local hang out, and literally 'burn out'.
Take the time to conserve this new energy and reflection and keep yourself steady and strong, cool as we heat up.
I know, easier said then done. You want a strong yoga practice. You want to go out in your tank tops and strappy sandals and dance a glow go. Until you wake up the next morning sluggish and sore with blisters on your feet.
It's an exciting time, but spend that excitement wisely, because with that heat and passion and long days comes the flip side of the heat...anger, aggression, anxiety. Yup, even the party is fun until the hangover sets in.
In yoga, we have the science of Ayurveda and even for those unfamiliar its easy to understand that we as human beings like all beings survive with the seasons. Our bodies are seasons and what we do and what we put into our bodies aligns with the seasons. It's no wonder that in the winter we crave comfort foods from warm soups to hot cocoa and mac n' cheese. Go for the latter to stay in balance. In the summer we crave sweet fruits like melon and veggies like cucumbers and mixed greens and yes, sangria and ice cream. Indulge if you must but go with where nature naturally leads you - the healthy choice - to stay in balance. Opt for a more restorative or gentle and slow Vinyasa practice, walks instead of runs. Go mild in the heat and you will still burn calories and be peaceful conserving your energy for more fun things like swing dancing at the 3rd Street Promenade or Lincoln Center.

We have an opportunity now to use nature to lead us down the right path. We have longer days to do so.
Obligations are at half because our focus leads us out doors away from school and the office. Follow that distraction, but follow it with purpose to enjoy what nature has provided and play. Come back to childhood and the playfulness of 'just a few more minutes, Mom!' as you wander down a longer block on your after work walk. Add a skip to your step to raise your heart rate but only add a few, then take it down to a stroll. Add some Gaga to your playlist and a curl of your mouth upwards as you pass a stranger. Actually stop to smell the Jasmine or watch the kids play in the fountains of NYC parks.

When I was in NY last week, I forgot about all the summer street fairs, the shoes tied on wires and the smell of grilling corn cobbs and barbeques. I love the kids playing in the streets till dusk. I don't see that too much in LA. I also forgot about the sweat that collects under my boobs. Only in NY. I know, TMI, but the humidity, oy! I know I'm not alone. But I love it and miss it. Shower only to get wet in the humidity of NYC!!

In Los Angeles, we have the most fragrant flowers to enjoy now. Now is the time.

Now is the time to look at all the hard work you do throughout the year and take stock of what you are passionate about. Ask yourself, are you going around in the path that you feel 'summer fabulous' about? Or, do you need to shift direction.
When summer closes the doors and turns off the ac and we start retreating into autumn, we go back into heavy work mode till the end of the year. School starts and deadlines are heavy. We are back in the rat race, firmer schedules and plans in addition to cooler weather and introspection. Our bodies actually slow down after the summer even though we 'gear up' to close down towards the holidays.
They are right around the corner my friends.
So, enjoy the time you have now...more than any season.
The energy you put forth now is the highest it will be. The sun is the closest it will be. Use the brightness to reflect your own greatest light and purpose. Do not waste it or spend it swiftly.
Savor it and let it glide upon you like Coppertone.
Glistening,
Lady Yoga

Have you ever?

2010-06-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,
Have you ever gotten food poisoning and can never go back to eating that food again?
Have you ever been hurt by a boy or a friend and forgive them but never forget?
Well, I have.
And, although I still enjoy eating the spinach and artichoke dip at California Pizza Kitchen, I will never forget the day Eve and I ate at the Newbury Street CPK in Boston and had to stop 5 times off the T for 'bathroom breaks' that I won't get into detail about. Ok, well one detail...because it wasn't about me but still makes me laugh. Eve literally couldn't find a public bathroom and had to go behind a dumpster. I'm LOL'ing now as you are probably gagging, but I still eat that stuff and gobble up the goodness of it whilst remembering my dear old friend Eve and her dumpster, behind the Wing It on Com Ave.
I don't know what happened to her. Perhaps I should look her up on facebook...
I also still love the friends I have been hurt by.
But I never forget.
I remember the good times.
The boy who hurt me, hurt, but I still remember the good times.
The dad who passed wasn't always the best person to my mom or family, but, he is my muse. We are so deeply connected and for that, I can only remember the good times.
Today, I went for a run on the beach and it didn't feel right. I have an injury that I am trying to take care of, but I also have an addiction to running (is that possible? Is there a support group for that?) that no matter the pain, makes me feel good to get out there and feel my heart and music pumping.
But today, it was different.
Today, I feel betrayed.
Today, my playlist bored the crap out of me, but not like Eve. And the run was boring even with the sun and sand and water next to me. I looked at it all and felt silly. I felt alone and wrong.
Today, I have been hurt and I can't forget.

If you read my last blog you'll know, summer solstice, the sun has made it's circle around the earth and here I am...
almost through the year of firsts with my dad's passing.
And two years since I lost what I thought was the love of my life.
I made it through my birthday and my mom and sisters birthdays. I made it through the holidays. But Father's day?
Seeing the cards and adverts for gifts for dad? It made my blood curdle in ways it hadn't all year.
I made it through an eight year relationship with a man that took no responsibility for the demise.
I made it through...on my own...in LA...with the support from friends near and far and my family.
But it all seems so far. Too far.
Too much now, more than ever, to endure any more.
The sun has made its path around the earth and so naturally we reflect on our path. I look at my life and I am proud, mistakes and all.
But what of it? What now?
What next?
More of the same?
Even my running playlist is tired and it's just getting too hard.
I don't want to hear life is hard. If it is, I want it to be hard with fun. If life is hard, change it. I'm the queen of change.
When my dad died, my family and I were still laughing. That's life. That's where I came from. It wasn't that we were laughing because he had died, but that we find the laughter in the sadness.
And I'm sad. And I'm away from the laughter.
I want to be sad with laughter, not sad alone in my apartment because I choose to live by the beach, alone away from my family.
I know I could call a pal and have a drink with them, but I don't call.
I stay here, because, I can't get in the car and drive another mile after being in the car all day. And, of course, not after a drink. That's obvious. But that aside...I'm exhausted all the time, because all I'm doing is working my asana off to stay here and work more so I can eat and pay my rent. I'm missing the moments of my life.

I have lived in LA for seven years.
I lived in LA after I graduated college for five years. That totals my time here to 12 years.
I just came back from NYC where I had several people remark to me that I was 'very NY'. It makes me laugh. I came from there but haven't lived there for a long long time. I lived in Boston for 4 years in college. That totals my time away from NY to 16 years. So, I have lived half my life in NY and half my life in LA and Boston.
But I'm always a New Yorker. When I walk in LA, I walk like a New Yorker.
But I live in LA. I love LA. I love LA with such passion that it hurts a little to write this.
I love what I have created here. I love being inspired at every neighborhood and corner of this great city. I love Santa Monica and living here is like the beat of my heart.
I grew up here more than in NY.

I have been traveling back and forth between NY and LA or Boston for 16 years and it NEVER gets easier to leave NY.
Not because of NY, the place, but because that is where I am from. It doesn't matter where I live now, I am from NY. I am from Searle. I am from my mother and my father and my sisters and my dog and cat. I am from New Rochelle and from the sweat and humidity and salt covered snow drifted and Macy's Day Parade New York.
I can't pack another bag or go through another security check point in tears leaving them and that and all that it feels inside me. I am Los Angeles. I am Santa Monica. But my blood is New York. My tears are for New York.

I have built a tremendous life in Los Angeles. I have the greatest friends and teachers I could dream of knowing.

I have had such great successes and such tremendous failures.

I don't associate those with the 'place' that I live even though the memories I have are colored with the time and place of these experiences.

I've lost my most important and valued family client this year.
I lost my father last year.
I lost my boyfriend of eight years the year before.
Because of these trials I have been forced to lose, my possessions, my health insurance and some of my dreams have had to be filed away until I come from beneath.
In these trials, my friends and family have supported me sustaining my life and dreams here in Los Angeles.
For that, I am so very grateful.

But, I was just in NY for one of my shortest trips ever. I had to come back to my obligations, all of which fell through. I could have stayed in NY longer and savored my time with my family longer had it not been for these obligations. And, they fell through. Which, made me realize that I am at the whim of too many others to get by.

My mom says, don't woulda, coulda, shoulda. I love that woman. Like Santa Monica.

I am being strung along by uncertain and untrustworthy things that make me begin to resent what I do and where I am going.
I would never blame place for my circumstances. But when I come back to LA to have things crumble because others have 'changed their mind' I am left alone and wondering...is it all worth it?
A dream of mine is coming true as I write and I couldn't be happier. And, I am also sad.
Because, dreams and goals are nothing without love around you - RIght next to you, up in your shit, sharing a bathroom and invading your personal space - around you.

I don't necessarily mean love of a boy or friends, but true love. I mean the love of family. You can have that with your relationships. I value my LA relationships so much that I wouldn't be able to go on without them.

But, after 16 years, how is it that it still gets harder to leave my mother and sisters?

Part of me thinks, I had to leave, to learn the lessons I needed to on my own, separate from my family. I needed to work though insecurities that I had in childhood, attachments I had for approval, so that I could stand on my own AND go back and feel secure with myself. I feel so strongly about who I am alone and who I am with my family. Perhaps I wish upon that revelation before my dad passed. Perhaps I should have broken up with my boyfriend years ago when I knew I should but stayed because it felt comfortable, but wrong. Perhaps and woulda. It didn't happen that way and it often doesn't play out how you think. The only thing you can do is go forward from where you are.
And now, even amidst these trials, I feel better about who I am and what I love and do and put out there for public consumption then ever before. I work in service and am so very proud to do that. My dad did that. And he was proud.

It's taken me a long time, and maybe it's just 'being in my 30's' but I'm ready to go back, without intermission.

And, I'm used to taking risks. What's life without risks. I've failed miserably from those risks and I have lost it all and gained so much from the loss of the past few years. Full circle, I am. Around and around again. Like a carousel..scary freekin' music and all.

My dad isn't around anymore. I had my chance to go back when he was sick and move home. Why didn't I do it then?

And now, I'm really considering it? I feel foolish.

I feel alive and sad and happy and alone and peaceful.

But, I'm missing the moments. The moments with my true loves. Not Santa Monica. It's not a person. My mom and sisters and little dog too.

I'm missing it folks. And I teach you how not to miss it.

I am so very grateful, for all the experiences and people I have met here.

I am so fortunate, even in loss.

But, I must grab life by the balls and take all risks necessary to be happy. If I'm not happy, I can't teach happy.

I'm the best teacher I have ever been in my teaching career, not because I have the numbers in my classes or notoriety to back it up, but because I teach from experience, failure and success. I feel good about what I am producing and hope that the students that come to my classes feel the same way.

It's my goal to make fitness and yoga a part of every single day for every single person regardless of physical or schedule limitations.

And, now that I am actually in the middle of a dream coming true, I must say that it is time to keep that inspiration flowing for me to stay at peak as a teacher and person.

I'm willing to lose the rest to gain much more so I can share much more.

My energy has been depleted with struggling to stay here. It's not worth it. I love it here, but I love being a teacher more.

I am publishing a monthly written and comic column for LA Yoga Magazine called Lady Yoga, Superhero starting in July that will also have an online presence nationally and internationally.

I am so fortunate that the editor of LA Yoga, Felicia Tomasko has supported me as a teacher, writer and visionary.
She is a gifted teacher, writer, editor and soul that I have crossed paths with in LA.

I am honored to be a contributor to the magazine. It is my dream and passion to get across what my mission is through Lady Yoga.

I will continue to produce my yoga and fitness videos on Youtube and teach my classes at Liberation Yoga in Hollywood.
I am committed to the great private clients that allow me into their home and lives to integrate yoga, fitness and meditation into their everyday lives so that they can be the best people they can be with their families and loved ones.
I wish that this work I do will lead to a greater audience and platform to share my passion and fun for it all, including pee in your pants laughter. I wish that my daily work will afford me the safety, sanity and a few nice things including medical insurance and a trip abroad now and then.

But, to quote the great Real Housewife of New York City, Jill Zarin, I'm done. For now, I will look not to New York, the place, but New York, the family, to go back to and recup, recharge and reignite my passions and dreams.

In my tears, I must find pee in your pants laughter.

Even if you forgive, you don't forget. I won't forget the hurt from friends or food poisoning, but I will remember the laughter that surrounded the experiences outside.

Right now, I'm having the experience, but not the laughter.

And so, it's up to you, New York, New York!

With love, laughter and a New York accent,

Laurie/Lady Yoga

Have you EVER thought...

2010-06-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm Jesus? And I don't know it? And I've waited all this time? And all these people are waiting? And I'm back? And I'm a little late? Oops...

Dear Oprah,

I'm not putting myself on a pedestal, but I woke up the other morning with red marks in the center of both of my palms. I thought, Stig - freekin - mata!

Makes sense.

I know I have been suffering lately, but really, Jesus pulled the shorter straw in the long run.

I have turned said suffering into a wonderful yogic experience of letting go. Nothing, including being pulled over by the cops for running a stop sign I stopped at, bother's me. Although my mom would argue otherwise, I'm sure. She is the one that endured my annoyance after it happened. Normally I'd hang a little longer on this yucko occurrence, but alas, I'm finding it easier now to drop into my 'yoga' when things get shitty.

I notice that no matter how 'all over the place' my life seems and how overwhelmed I can get, it doesn't take as long for me to stop, drop and roll into a calmer place of stillness, breathe and be present. It used to take a lot longer...like days or weeks to get over something. Now...it rolls off. Ok, maybe after a convo with my mom and then it rolls off, but I can find that peace and yoga in moments after.

That's all the practice is for me.

I hate cops.

Just kidding.

No, I'm not.

I hate no one.

But really, the little things...even the not so little things that would normally be annoying, are not ruffling my crown of thorns.

My stigmata was caused by lifting weights without gloves. Damn Kesha, her tunes always get me to push a bit harder...right into my palms.

I am not Jesus, but we are all reflections of 'the Jesus' whether we believe in him or not...that which is higher than us. And maybe I just needed a cut in my hand to remind me that all those things that bother me now, won't in a few days, months and years and even though this is a rough patch, pretty smooth patches are right around the corner.

Loaves and fishes,

Lady

People say she's crazy...

2010-05-26T01:17:00.000-07:00

She's got diamonds on the souls of her shoes........Paul Simon...Oh,

Dear Oprah,

Dad is on my mind...

always.

Especially now...

because when I reach for solace,

I go to CVS.

That's where I find my yoga.

That's where I find my peace, the light and organization...

Gimme a freakin' moment I can collect and CVS...collects...

and right now...all they advertise is father's day.

This is my first without father's...day.

"She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave"

~Paul Simon

The cards drive me crazy. He never liked cards and didn't like saving them. Neither do I.

My dad is my soul mate. He was a miserable and mean person that I couldn't love anymore than I could myself or my mother or sisters or my favorite things. My dad was my muse and my inspiration. In his flaws I found the beauty of the human spirit struggling for truth, balance and salvation in this world. He was ornery, but fabulous when he was to my left side and in the drivers seat. He was the driver. He was the leader and the Buddha when it came to truth in simplicity even though he struggled in wanting more than what he had. He was the richest person I knew and even he knew, deep down in secret, that everything he needed was at ten and two on the wheel and the path in front of him. That's it. He knew it. It's hard to get that that's all there is, but we understood. I understood.

I learned everything I knew from him, good and bad and I love it all and embraced all of his lessons. I'm so grateful for the best and scariest father I could request in this existence. He scared the crap out of me, because he was a difficult personality to understand and orchestrate...but I love music and jazz and NYC and theatre and all of it is was as complicated as he was and understandable as he was if you could get through the FDR or West Side Highway, uptown or down town...get through to him and...get there. To understand and get him was like the grid of Manhattan. Complicated and effortless.

I've loved him entirely like I do NYC and will still try to work in approval of him because I know that as long as I am living passionately, he will love, support and cheer me on from beyond and right beside me...and still give me a freekin' hard time. I still hear it. Soo...

So...it's ok that I got the left side of my nose pierced. He he. He'll never see when he's seated to my right.

He is beyond and I have never felt him more beside me than I do now.

My dad is my best bud.

He is my true love and inspiration and all of what I do is guided by him in his spirit and my mother in her present guidance of artistic inspiration.

And, I feel my dad get's to know my side of town. I feel him as I navigate THIS city, so strange and complicated like Cabernet to NYC's Chardonnay. It's difficult and I feel his presence as I

move from vine to wine.

When I will lose you
Lose you as I lose my light
Days falling backward into velvet night
The open palm of desire
Wants everything
It wants everything
It wants soil as soft as summer
And the strength to push like spring

That's right Paul...sing it like only we can... Newport string of smoke clearing a smooth plume out the driver's side so bring it!

As someone who loves fitness and yoga, I will still love a cigarette with you.

I wrote a musical blog just one year ago using quotes from the same songs in sadness. Now, I look back still a little sad, but knowing that each time I hit the pavement and goals ahead, I have him in my pocket to drive me forward. He's driving me toward my goals, with or without traffic.

This father's day, I won't be WITH him, but he will be WITH me. He is always with me and it is never sad. Not anymore. There is no pain. No question. It is always happy to look back now at his favorite songs and remember how awesome it was to sing along side him as he was driving. I will always be a better singer. He will always be a better driver. I will always drive better and sing.

My dad and I...no matter what was happening, where we were, where we were going, what we were listening to, we were always together.

We were always present, always in yoga. Always.

We were.

This is my love song...my love blog...to my dad.

Love.

Lady.

Real Yoga...

2010-05-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I'm living yoga. Right now, sitting here, still sweaty from a great class at a new studio opening in Santa Monica, with a super and inspiring teacher and friend. I love my life and can't wait for what's next.

Dear Oprah,

My life is in the toilet. Life sucks and I'm scared crapless, literally. I'm broke and have given up my cable, medical insurance and have now resorted to picking up groceries from the 99cent store and Food for Less where the Cantaloupe tastes like real dirt and the apples have so much wax on them, the look fake and not Pottery Barn fake but like, Michael's fake.

Dear Oprah,

Which blog would you like to read? The first or the second?

From my last blog, I've already talked about choices. So, you can choose your own ending on this one. Like those books you read as a kid.

I'm going to choose to go with the first. It looks and sounds prettier.

Like when you go into Whole Foods. Yea, you know it's expensive, but you know everything is fresh, beautiful, nurtured, prepared well. You want to be around it, whether you can afford it or not.

It's actually proven, scientifically, that if you are shown, visually, colors, richness, beauty, you will respond in a way that is positive and happy.

If you are around fluorescent lighting, processed foods, dull, gray whatnot, you will respond accordingly.

When you are in and around things that are colorful and alive, you will feel colorful and alive.

We are all, all of us, given the same lessons over and over again until we learn them.

I teach yoga. I'm good at it. I can lead people to a place where they feel good in their bodies and minds. But what happens when they leave their mat? I'm not with them. My job is done.

But, is it? You see, I see my job being beyond the mat. You teach what you need to learn. I can make you feel good. I can feel good, but if I'm a freak in traffic and not present with my friends and family...if I fly off the handle and react instead of observe and respond in a way that's chosen - calm and present, well, what KIND of yoga am I teaching? What kind of yoga am I living? You can't teach it if you haven't experienced it on some level. I know I still can't do a handstand away from the wall, but I can teach you how to do it, because I do know how it feels. My body just hasn't supported that achievement...yet. But yours might. And I want to see it. And, I can take you there. That's my job. To see you get there and support you when you fall. And it's my job to see myself get there and support myself fall after fall.

And, I can't go in and teach a class that's just movement. I need to talk about life, what it offers us as challenges and see how we respond to those challenges as we are on AND off our mats. You can move all you want but what is happening inside? That's what counts. I can't see it all but I support it, seen and unseen.

When we are in yoga, we meet our ‘edges’.

That’s the place we can push ourselves mentally and physically. Like a marathon. In fact, I often compare life and yoga practice to a marathon. Because, you have 26 miles. That's a lot of time and a lot of response to feelings that come up. Sure you see the crowd around you, cheering you on and supporting you. You feel the adrenalin. You are in the zone. You have prepared for this. But what happens in the span of city space where there are no people? Perhaps the people you ran with for a mile or so have dropped back or moved on. Perhaps you have lost your zone and are feeling weary, unsupported physically and chemically from water or energy from food or mental energy from your own support.

What happens?

Practice makes practice.

There's no perfect.

There's no control.

There's only the response to the moment that is offered and fueled internally and externally.

We meet our edge.

Mental is first.

That is the place that tells us, I can do it or I can't go on one more moment. It's often fueled by what's around us. I just lost my job. I just had a fight with my best mate or lover/partner. I just booked a guest-starring role on Modern Family. The cute guy from the Starbucks asked me out. I have a cushion in my savings account that can pay for my trip to India. I can afford Whole Foods.

Then, comes the physical edge. My hamstrings will tear if I reach for my toes.

I must listen to my body and bend my knees to touch my toes. OR, I will force myself to touch my toes and feel pain throughout my whole body. I will run with a cramp or chose to walk a half-mile and lose time at the finish line.

Then comes the emotional edge.

It's the seat of our intention. It is why we do anything. I want to finish the race. I want to touch my toes. Both things require a judgment that is so internal, that must be felt so inside that we have to honor the process of getting there. The thinking mind tells us, I must run three races to break a four-hour finish time. I need to come to 15 yoga classes to allow my muscles the memory of each class to take me further. The edge just beyond, just around the corner, is where we want to get. That is the finish line. That is the work and effort. The letting go when the work is done. The edge that is the core of our being. The nectar, the truth, the juice of who we are. It is the center of our being, the core of the earth. The OM that connects us to our mission (touch toes, finish a race) and connects us with each other, feeling the support to complete each personal mission in connection with those around us. It's the center edge that gets us anywhere and it is the place we find when we are in 'the zone'. It is that edge that will actually push us more than our muscles and will.

When we are in the present moment and nothing else matters.

It is that which defines yoga - to its core. Yoga is not just down dog and plank pose. It is finding the edge that pushes us comfortably past the external ego, into the heart of the drive that makes us move, live and love in wholeness and unity, passion and yoga.

It is that edge that gets lost in technology, choices, options, failures, worry, confusion and the distraction of our modern age.

We lose it all, all of that momentum when external forces come out of nowhere to test us, including our mind...mess us up and question every reason we decided to do anything.

Get through all of that and you are at the finish line and sivasana. You are at rest while in motion towards your mission. You are in the real zone, where there is no pain and no question. You are through the external and back to the original state of being. The kid that has sand in their pants at the beach and doesn't give a crap.

A crap.

I've panicked before. I've freaked out before. I've responded in ways that aren't yogic. I've reached externally to help salve what was going on internally, but my friends, you cannot get through anything unless you have felt it, fully, in order to move on.

I know that my life, as of the last two years, has offered me nothing but loss...and options.

And I have given up a lot to remain in my truth and passion.

When I am skewed away from that source of my truth - a guy cuts me off in traffic, I have a misunderstanding with a friend or co-worker, and I USED to let it set me off. Past tense. I would internalize it so that I would tense up. I would feel it in my shoulders, neck and abdomen.

My mother knows all to well as she was at the receiving end of many of those harried phone calls of panic. What am I going to do? I can't take it anymore?!

Well, I didn't take it anymore. I just gave it away. It didn't serve me.

It doesn't serve my mother or me... God love her.

She's there for me, but really, I'm over hearing it. So she must be over it.

I am never late. I always leave early with enough time to get anywhere. I learned that from my dad. But in LA, you just never know. So time and time again, I learn...to let it go. Whether you plan fully, plan to be surprised...for anything...and let it all go.

So my early can still end up late if they close off one, two or gasp, three lanes on Sunset or the 10 Freeway and I'm screwed.

How many people and schedules am I going to screw up being late? That trickle effect is alarming to myself and those around me. I start to feel the panic and stress. I respond accordingly and become aggressive, cutting someone else off, not on purpose but to maneuver another option for me to find passage to freedom.

But, what if, I made the call, calmly, that I was running late? What's the worst thing? What's the worst thing that could happen? I'm sorry. And still, there couldn't be anything negative in response to an apology. I have screwed no one. And if you really think about it, most of my privates live for a free pass to get out of working out. But, I digress.

For some strange reason, in the midst of losing everything, including every morsel of food in my cupboards and refrigerator, I have been forced with no other choice but to accept that this is what has been given...nothing.

And, I can either choose to respond negatively and angrily or just be grateful that I can write my blog, make a call to let my appointment know I'm running late, then share a meal with a pal off free coupons at an amazing restaurant. In the broad view of it, not a bad day. And in ten days, I won't remember the traffic jam, but the meal.... yum.

I've felt like shit and panicked. That doesn't get me anywhere.

But, what if I chose to feel, nothing. Feel, swaha, in Sanskrit, whatever. It is what it is. So hum. I am that and that is me. What is happening is happening. It affects people, yes. But if I respond in a way that is calm, those around me will react accordingly. Try it.

If I do that, there is no tension in my shoulders or neck or belly.

I spoke with my girlfriend today. She said she is worried about me. I told her, you have known me for two decades. What's going to happen? Am I going to jump off a building? Maybe, but I'd probably have a parachute and camera crew with me. I'm in my 30's. I know hard times. I'm still here. You - worrying is a waste of your time and mine. Let's talk about something good.

I think it scared the crap out of her.

I'm done. Aren't you? I wouldn't pay money to see a sad movie that didn't have a glimmer of hope. I'm a rom-com or action adventure girl. Hope, faith.

I'm done feeling bad and feeling down. You don't want to hear it and I don't want to tell that story.

If I feel down, I let myself feel it and get on with it. There's more to have. Like something sweet after a good meal.

I could clench my fists but if I opened up my fingers, my palm would be open enough to receive, shit, yes, but good too.

Open up your hand and let go so you can receive. Let yourself take what comes, good and bad.

Right now, for me, there is a lot of bad, however, I still have the most amazing family and friends and co-workers I could design, think up, desire and create.

I'm alone now, writing my blog and that's the way I want it. I'm still living in Santa Monica, for now, and that might change. But, ya know what, I don't think it is. I think I'm staying right where I am and I have no idea how that's going to happen, but I am pretty sure, it just is.

And I'm not hungry.

I wonder how I am going to pay my rent.

I've stayed up nights thinking about it.

Until I just fell asleep.

And, when I opened my body up to rest, guess what happened...I slept.

And I woke up...and the journey and questions began again, but I detached myself from what 'could' happen and just lived best in what I could create and what happened around that creation.

We can't control...anything. I mean really. You can't even control your bowel movements. They just come when they give you the signal...and you go, right?

If you focus on the shit, think about the shit, worry about the shit, life will be shit. You will vibrate that shit. You will hold on to that shit and it will hold onto you. You will gain weight and not fit into your skinny jeans. You will continue to eat chips because you feel like shit and then you will get muffin top and feel worse and think so much about the shit that you will no longer be able to shit. You will become sick and your skin will look ruddy. You will feel bad about yourself and start to smell. People won't want to be around you and you won't want to be around you and you will continue this until the shit backs up so bad that it hurts, physically and mentally. Oy, that sucks. That's shit. A lot of shit.

If you don't think about the shit and just move in your space and do your thing, the shit will come, but so will the stuff that fuels the good shit. And really, there is nothing like a good shit.

Take it in and let it go. Feel light, skinny, shiny and happy. Have people notice and ask you if you just had a massage or Restalyn. And be happy that they even thought you would go under the needle 'cause all you did was rest and eat Brussel Sprouts as a snack. You didn't go to the dark hairy place that vibrates at such a low level that no one wants to be around you. People will want to be around you so much that you will have to turn down plans and chose to be by yourself with a glass of wine and write your blog while listening to pandora.com.

You CHOSE to respond in a way that is positive no matter what kind of crap gets thrown your way.

I literally, just decided this.

No matter what, I respond positively to the shit. I stand in the sand and let the waves hit me and watch my legs sink deeper and deeper into the sand with each hit only to realize that I'm getting more grounded, getting firmer into the sand. Each hit makes my limbs waiver less. I open my fist and feel the release of my muscles and let go and yes, maybe need to go to the bathroom.

I'm in the present tense and it's tense and then I let it go. I do.

In a matter of weeks, things have gotten worse. I've cashed in my IRA and my savings has been depleted so I can just live, survive, eat and pay for gas. There are no extras. No manicures, no waxing, no movies, cable, no health insurance. I'm such a liability!!

It's all gone. There are no chips. There is a lot of silence and candlelight.

And lots of laughter. And smiles. And there are people on the street that ask me how I get my skin to look so good.

Sleep and cardio.

It’s free.

Rest and run, on the beach.

I don't need a lot.

NONE of us do.

But, we are given so many choices and options and feelings of need for this and that to be happy that we don't realize that really, like Buddha, it's all just f-ing there.

Where we stand, in the sand or sit, on the toilet...or with a pal and laugh until you pee your pants.

Or meet someone that changes your life and sees your dream and supports you.

And love.

The damn/dam of shit will be released eventually. It is the law of the universe, if you will.

There is no way physically and cosmically that we will remain constipated.

We will go to the bathroom. The lanes will clear on the 405. We will get to where we need to go, if we let the fuck go.

Life sucks.

Life is grand.

I want that story.

The latter.

I want to read that story.

I don't want to hear myself bitch.

I don't want to hear you bitch.

You think, you feel, you are.

You reach your edge...

Push past it...

Take care of your ailing husband or father and you see you can do it.

You can clean him and feed him and you are amazed you made it through the day.

You can keep your arms straight and kick your legs up into a handstand. You can stay in equilibrium on your hands away from any support but your hands, even for a moment. And you are amazed you made it.

You can stay true to what you want, more than anything in this world, believe it, have everything you love taken away from you and still have faith and you are amazed you are still here and still passionate, creative and in love with love and life and what you can do, on and off the mat.

And if you are smiling through it with gentle thoughts, a soft mind and an even temper,

You will be amazed.

My life sucks. There is no food, no boyfriend, no family near, no cable...just bills and worry and what am I going to do next.

My life is amazing.

I am inspired.

I have great friends, male and female, great people to work with even if I'm not making millions.

I am not hungry.

I have the best family in the world that I can call on the phone and a bed to sleep in at night.

I go to sleep with a spoon.

Because rest is desert.

I wake up and I don't worry.

I am anxious only to turn the page and see what's next.

It's not what I planned.

It's not in my control.

The only thing I can control is the smile on my face and the excitement for what's next.

And, hold on one second.

I need to go to the bathroom.

Ahhhh, there's nothing like it, letting go.

I feel good.

I am amazed.

I want that story.

I want to read that story.

I want to hear about that.

And I'm free for dinner if you wanna take me out.

~Lady

Remember the pickles...

2010-05-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Often, we are given choices.

Palm opened.

Pretty.

Enviable.

Deceiving.

Choices.

Often, we are revealed options.

Go here and find this. Take this and find that. This path. That path. This will lead you to the happiness you have worked so hard for. This is happy. This is the way.

If this happens to you, this will happen and be provided for you. Sounds great. Till it's taken away and it's not an option. It was just a choice. It wasn't yours to begin with. It was just shown to you. See what can happen if?

They are never ours. They are only shown. As options. To show you that happiness is your choice with or without these outside 'options' being shown to you like Prada bags on the streets of NYC. Really, they are just knock offs. The real thing, is not...there.

Try it on. Take it off. Try something else...

And if we reach for said options, there is an attachment that is created.

The Bhagavad-Gita reveals that even in these choices, we must make a choice.

Action, when driven by passion and truth is fueled by purity.

When there is an attachment to that action, it becomes colored with a myriad of other things...

Heat, fury, anger, negativity, selfishness and let me think of a few more...

Hold on, I have to reach into my pocket, to my blackberry, to my Mac, my Internet, to my face book, cable, my health insurance and Netflix. Hold on while I get my receipt from Whole Foods and eBay, to my Craig’s list, my texts, my phone book, my bills and things owed, my list of obligations, fulfillments. Hold on as I reach for my dreams, my inspiration.

Hold on as I grasp for my heart, my kidneys, oh and all the memories I have of my life.

Hold on. Just hold on one dang minute.

Hold on as I reach for the thing that I love the most. Because, as soon as I share it, it is open to scrutiny and judgment.

And really, even on the street, I'd ask for more.

Put it out there. Put yourself out there...and you are open.

There is revealed, more choices. And it's harder to decipher between the options.

What's it worth?

What's it all REALLY worth?

Your life, what you love and live for, work for, are passionate about?

What is what you want really worth?

What are you willing to give up?

What are you willing to sacrifice to surrender to your truth?

Hold on.

Wait just one second.

I like my stuff and I like being given options. It's when I'm shown the stuff that I can't have that I get frustrated. So, take it all away then.

It's all away now.

Now, what do I do?

I sit in front of my refrigerator at 3 AM in fear for my life that the eggs will be gone, the milk will be gone, the pickles, because really, what will they go with. And, the ketchup...

Pickles and ketchup? When there's no other choice...

I fear that it will all be gone in an instant.

My apartment, my clothes, my music.

And what will I do when they are gone?

Remember the pickles...

I will remember the way the pickles tasted.

On their own and with a great fat veggie burger.

I will remember the way the vinegar felt as it ran down my chin.

I will remember the pickles.

I will remember the way it felt to download the latest song from Bombay Dub Orchestra or the newest Broadway soundtrack I have yet to see in person.

I'll sing it over and over till I get the lyrics. Just right. There you go.

On the 405 or Coldwater, there is nothing like listening to your music, you know so well.

Until you are stuck on Sunset for an hour and the loop has gone on and on till you are bored. Reach for another choice, a phone call, a, gasp, text...no not me, the girl next to me who cut me off mid belt singing the Xanadu soundtrack. We are all distracted with choices.

I will remember the eggs on the morning I can sleep later than 6AM and the milk I can have with my coffee that even on my best day can be made improperly. Seriously, I've lived with myself for so long and still can't get it right, but when I do, it's gold...with milk. Make it stronger. Make it sweeter. Chose.

I sit naked or I sit in my favorite couture...that I have yet to wear with a dashing gentleman or with the girls.

I have no cable, no books - they've all been sold or given up. To the economy. THE most used word in the English vocabulary in our modern times.

I sit in the quiet or with the pickles and the hum of the fridge or the Cinematic Orchestra as a soundtrack for my demise into solitude and surrender to the 'options' and 'choices' that have been offered.

Here's a chance. Perhaps this? What about that? I think you should....

If we all just, practiced yoga. And I don't just mean on the mat for an hour and a half.

But, if we just turn it all off, the Internet, the things blinking and bleeping for our attention,

Can we make the choice, to just be? To trust that it will all be okay?

Quiet. Fill up in the stillness of the moment. With nothing. Take all the crap that's filling up our minds and muscles and let them work themselves out by breathing deeply and pushing them out gently with a sigh or flutter or the lips, a stretch to the left or the right. It doesn't cost a thing.

In that moment of peace, can we find what it is that we absolutely need to move forward, without hesitation, without technical assistance or obligation?

Can we just listen to the gentle hum of the room around us, which vibrates the gentle OM beneath us and connects us all? Supports us all. Our decisions and choices?

Can we just do that?

Can we...can I, just chose to allow what is, be?

I can trust in the power of the universe to protect.

Protect me and the choices I make.

I make these choices.

And then there are choices that are revealed to me.

Take this. Try that.

And then it all goes away.

Recently, I've taken to writing in the sand.

Have you ever watched the ocean?

It's so unpredictable. It just wants to get the f in and get out. It'll rise forward, and then hesitate. It doesn't know what it wants, but it always comes in and always goes out. That much we know. We trust THAT. The rest is just frustrating if you are trying to write a message in the sand. You can't choreograph it.

It'll never listen. It'll only give you options. Then take them away, everyday.

But it's still cool to watch. It's cool to try. It's cool to know you have done your best in the moment no matter what's been given. To know you have put yourself out there to be given choices whether you have control over them or not.

Truth is, there is no controlling. Try telling that to a middle child, NYer, Virgo.

Ask me how I would deal with these 'choices' 6 months ago and I would have stuttered in panic.

Perhaps I'm getting on in years, but really, the strength is not in the what, but in the letting go of all that's attached to the what.

Deep, right? I know. It's because it's all been given to me and taken away that I can sit here and write, write now and know that I have all I need right here. Like Steve Martin in 'The Jerk'..."that's all I need, is this thermos!"

"And this lamp. That's all I need, is this thermos and this lamp."

"And..."

Keep adding on and there is more to maintain. Take it all away and what do you have?

It'll all still be there. The bills, the questions, the choices, the what if's, the worry, the triumph and the failure. It will always be there.

But, how we are when we're full and when we are empty, that's the bliss. Stay steady. Sthira, in Sanskrit. Stay steady in the flow of fullness and emptyness, happiness and saddness. The win and the will is to keep the balance when life throws us choices we make and choices that are taken away.

I can sit in front of the fridge wearing nothing or donned in heels and DVF.

It doesn't change the fact that the pickles will be there and then they will be gone.

How near. How far.

It all seems so close. The choices we make for our future will effect our now.

Our now.

Our now is all we really own.

The choices, we can't choreograph when they come in and when they go out. But they will come. And they will go. Sthira.

And there will always be, the tumult beneath us as we try on the options.

And the pickles.

They are gone now. I've eaten them all as I write this. It's all that is left now.

Until tomorrow.

Where they can be found again. As an option in the aisle of Pavilions. Or passed by for something else.

Perhaps capers. Capers. That sounds like a good choice.

Yours and steady in the tumult of choice,

Lady

Introducing...Lady Yoga...

2010-05-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Ok, you all are wondering, laughing, questioning, what the heck is this girl doing? She has changed her name from Laurie Searle to Lady Yoga.

Well here you are, with the explanation extraordinaire.

From a previous blog, I mentioned that there was a dear student who called me a hero for coming in to sub all of these classes that teachers couldn't make because they were sick or stuck in traffic or for other reasons. At first, I was jazzed to teach so many classes. To teach is living my truth, but even for me, teaching can be hard. It's hard to be inspired and come up with the right sequences for the right group if asked to sub on short notice for a level 3, then a gentle class.

It can be draining on the mind and spirit, but the students, oh, the students.

If it weren't for who came into the room with what they needed, it wouldn't get me inspired. For the novice...overwhelming.

But, I would get to a point where I would literally talk to the room and their needs and I would see an invisible rolodex over my head coming up with the sequence I needed for the whole class.

All of these years of teaching privates and in studios and gyms and hospitals and institutions and schools, they come together in instances like this.

It's like improv as an actor. You are given a scene or situation and you are told to go, by yourself or with a group of actors.

As a teacher, as of late, I come often in to classes that aren't my own, where the students aren't used to my voice or style and they are skeptical and nervous as to what I might bring to the mat.

I listen and I am nervous and skeptical as to what I can bring to the mat, but I hear and feel and I see the education over my head like a rainbow and I pull what I can, what I might not have planned, but what I can improvise with the people that have showed up and need what I can give.

This is my life. This is my love. And more than anything else, everyone who comes to my classes, subbed or mine, they know it. And they take what they can. Because it's what I can give.

So, it is here that I channel all those teachers that I have learned from. All those that went before me and when I'm tapped out, I find, Lady Yoga.

Lady Yoga...

Has shoulder length light brown hair that can often be found in high little pig tails.

The colors she dons on her costume represent the chakras (energy centers of the body). Her yoga mat doubles as a cape. She pals around with her Ganesh elephant god, to help remove the obstacles that get in the way of her students reaching the goals they have set for themselves.

She is a woman, in touch with her Shiva, moon and nurturing energy but has a little crystal nose stud on her right nostril to channel the power of the sun, Shakti, male, universal energy and all of the Indian Gods and all of the styles of yoga: Iyengar, Ashtanga, Hatha Vinyasa Flow, Kundalini, Anusara, Vini, Svaroopa, Vinyasa Krama, Power, Gentle, Ayurveda so that she can serve the people in the way they need in the time they need it.

She longs to help people find their own personal strength (and super hero within).

She combs the 405 and 101 like a ghetto bird for those suffering from road rage and tension while driving, sits in the passenger side of your car and helps you get through your commute by breathing techniques and seated stretches you can do while driving.

For those suffering while standing upright for hours a day, she comes to your rescue with stretches and movements you can do to keep you limber and energized. For those suffering from sitting still in florescent lighting all day and getting up only to get a cup of coffee or swap gossip at the loo, she's got stretches and strengthening movements you can do to keep you flexible and open through the day.

Her nemesis is the couch and when she sits down in it, her energy is diminished. She is crippled by the couch but does not fear the couch for the couch is where we can find rest. But the couch is the same place we can lift from and find life, power and strength inside and out. If we only have the power to get out of it and move.

She wears mismatched brightly colored socks and tight black leggings with luon material to keep her movement swift and moisture wicking. You can spot her from miles away, which is helpful if you live on the east coast full of black in wardrobe or west coast where mismatched is unmatched so you can find Lady in a crowd of two.

She has a tiny streak of purple in her hair to represent the crown Chakra of powerful wisdom, intuition and leadership that we all have access to and can channel on our own.

Lady Yoga can help us with this.

Lady Yoga is all of our alter egos. We are all Lady and Lords of Yoga.

Lady Yoga is simply our child like mirror that brings all of our possibility to the forefront.

It is Lady Yoga's mission to find the strength, power, stillness within to reflect our brilliant light and passions throughout. She is driven to make fitness and yoga accessible to all beings everywhere.

For that, Lady Yoga is a super hero.

Nice to meet you,

Lady

Fitness architect...

2010-05-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I'm a fitness architect.

After the loss of a major client back in January, I've had to be resourceful....and clever.

Over the last few months I've been exposed to so many gyms, studios, people, personalities, needs, that I can honestly say that from my education and experience, I'm a fitness architect. I can listen to what you say and what you need and design said needs to a program that makes you feel fit and happy. I can fit in fitness and yoga in your busy schedule, your high/low maintenance lifestyle. Whatever you need, I'm there.

~Lady Yoga

Call Girl...

2010-05-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I'm a yoga call girl.

As of late, I have been at the call of studios around town to teach when they need someone.

I need to make money. But more than anything, I won't do anything to make money if it doesn't make me feel good too.

I'm a teacher. I teach. And I sub. I substitute for the teacher that has fallen ill or for other circumstances.

There was a day, not too long ago, that I taught four classes at the place I call home, Liberation Yoga in Hollywood. A student had come out of class and told me that I was like a hero, coming to save the day when teachers couldn't make it to class. Ironically, this student happened to be in almost every one of the classes I subbed for the next two weeks. I only met her a handful of times. She came to gentle classes, level one classes. She could barely 'do' half of the poses I constructed for class but to have her in class was such a wonder. She shared with me that she had triumphed over Cancer a couple of times and that she was just here to feel the weight and strength and support of the floor beneath her and the people around her.

It's funny, because I always talk about Liberation as a place of support, feeling the ground beneath you and the energy around you to stay true to the intention of your practice. But, this isn't a student that comes to my regular classes. And yet, she feels what I talk about. She feels what we all feel when we come into this beautiful place. Liberation is something really special in Los Angeles. There are many wonderful studios in LA. I practice and teach at many of them, but when I come to Liberation, I am home. And when I teach there, I feel the freedom and liberation as a student and teacher. To meet this woman and know that she feels the same way, made me feel a wonderful kinship and confirmation that I was not alone in my community.

I look forward to seeing this woman and hope she comes to my class and the classes that I sub. When she is around, I feel her there. She is a light that is unlike any other.

I have a couple students that regularly come to my class and feel the same way about. When they are not there, it is noticed. When they are there, the energy changes, in a good way. And it doesn't matter what kind of day they are coming from, to have them there is goodness and bliss.

This one particular student that I speak/write of, inspired Lady Yoga. Lady Yoga is a superhero. She allows us as people to tap into our inner super hero when things get rough. When things get difficult, we can come to yoga, our practice to feel strong and replenish our storage of peace, space and goodness to share with others.

Sometimes, we are stressed and stress gets the better of us, even yoga teachers...especially yoga teachers.

So, when this student told me that I was there to save the day when other teachers couldn't make it to class, she inspired my new persona, Lady Yoga, Superhero.

I heard the news today.

She was diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized lung cancer. The same thing that took my dad just nine months ago. The funny thing is, this woman has more life and zeal in her than my dad ever did. My dad didn't give up, but he had nothing left after years of battling cancer. My dad will always be my muse for yoga and inspiration in life, but this woman, has turned my inspiration over and allowed me to be...a super hero.

I've been on call. I've lost alot this year.

But I haven't lost my gift to teach.

This student, who is losing her life is giving so much to everyone around her.

Life abundant.

And for that I am forever grateful. I hope I will see her at Liberation. I hope she allows me into the life she has left.

She has allowed me into her life.

And she has been the greatest teacher and inspiration.

I feel her in my teaching. Like I feel my dad.

I'm so happy to have so many students that make my teaching better because they are there to share there light.

None of us teachers would be able to give if it weren't for the students that give so much back to us.

So, call me any time. I'll be there.

Namaste,

Lady Yoga

Coffee or gas...

2010-04-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I am running on empty, physically, emotionally, and autolly. I know. I just made that word up.

I literally started thinking...ok, Starbucks has short, tall, grande, venti, what about IV, a hook up that is consistent and steady to keep me going my long 16 hours a day of teaching, but really is caffeine gonna be the answer?

No.

Yum and Yes.

I was driving to class early Saturday morning with fifteen dollars in my pocket for food, gas and, well, fuel in general to keep going in my body and in my car. These long days of teacher training at new studios and fitness centers are rewarding, but exhausting. I'm so glad to be a part of a team effort and not so much a one man band, but I'm tired.

I decided to get my venti coffee, unsweetened and a sandwich for the homeless guy out front.

I will wait for my next paycheck for gas.

Tomorrow.

I smile with caffeine.

He smiles with food.

I smile 'cause I'm about to teach.

All is well and I can get there and back home. Home. I have somewhere to be safe.

Coffee or gas?

A smile. It's worth more than cash and teaching...it's priceless.

These times are rough and I often question what I am doing and where I am going.

But, give me awake.

Give me room.

Give me people who want yoga.

And,

I am happy.

I am living my truth and I am abundant.

I don't need more than that.

Namaste,

Lady Yoga

everyone's race...

2010-03-28T23:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Oprah,

I'm not much of a watcher.

Like you, I like to be 'in' it. To be in something is to be a part of something.

At least, that's what I've always thought.

I was a bit snobbish when moving to LA. Always a runner, people used to ask, are you running the marathon? No, I would say, Boston is my race or NY (1/2 and minis not the full...yet).

I live on the west coast, but for most of my life, the east coast, although that margin of time is getting smaller and smaller.

I asked a friend today, does it sometimes feel strange that we are adults?

It feels strange that I am here, in my 30's, clearly not on the same path as many of my adult friends.

And this week, a change in LA history has occurred. They have changed the 'path' of the traditional 24 years of the LA marathon to end right here at the foot of my block.

How strange.

A race that is just a decade shy of my own age commences where I live.

Paths. They often change when you least expect and mostly, when you don't plan it.

I have not run a race in nearly a decade. I can train people to run races, but why have I stopped my own?

Ahh, I am running an altogether different race in life.

But racing, running, it IS my life.

I woke up early Sunday morning to teach a class at a very la di da hotel here in Santa Monica.

I felt excited at 6AM on a Sunday. Why?

To teach? Maybe?

But as soon as I stepped outside of my apartment I realized that the excitement was not just my own. All around me, people were smiling and preparing for thousands of runners to pass them by. They were getting ready to see, cheer and provide support for more people in a short amount of time then ever before. They were congregating and celebrating. Perhaps they knew people that were crossing the finish line. Perhaps they didn't know anyone and just wanted to be a part of it all. They brought their kids, their parents, their friends.

As I walked to the hotel so early, I saw the first finisher in the handicapped division. The sidelines were slim, but the cheers were robust.

I walked and felt the lightness, the nervous excitement and more than anything, the pure elation and energy and support that was all around me. And I was just walking.

By the time I had finished class, the streets were China packed, Time Square on New Years Eve smooshed with people and I felt so happy I thought I would explode. And I was just walking. Memories flooded of the Boston Marathon...where I would be at hour 2 and 3.

How I would be feeling.

I knew I had things to do so I walked as swiftly as I could through the crowd.

When I got to my block, just three from the actual 'finish line', I paused.

This was the time. For some reason, hour three was the time so many people were passing.

I thought, good time, people. I wouldn't be crossing for close to another hour.

The racer's bibs had their numbers but they also had their names so I stood at the side lines and I screamed. At the top of my lungs I yelled, you're almost home Krista!! This race is yours Brian!!! Four more blocks Jay!!! A gaggle of teens beside me said, do you know these people?

I said, no, but they need us more than ever now! I saw people break in a calf or foot cramp to the side line. People took them by the arm and carried them a block or two towards the finish. A yell from me or someone else would break a runner out of their disorientation and bring them a rush of energy to get them closer to the line.

If a runner heard their name, they would exchange a thumbs up or pick up their pace.

I felt a small bit of jealousy for not having done the race myself but also found myself in a new position, a position that was a. not nearly as tired but b. passive and observing, not common for me but very important as a yoga teacher and a yogi.

I love that LA decided to change the course this year. From Stadium (Dodger) to the Sea. Love it.

I love that I was able to be an observer and not be the one who's always 'in it' to 'win it' even though I was hardly an elite runner, I was always competing with my time and my race.

This time, I was able to see that this race, any 'marathon' is more about being in it together.

Yes, there is a winner. There are people who 'win' races. But marathons, any marathon, from this new point of view, was about being a part of it as a runner and a spectator. To support as a spectator is crucial to the participator. When I ran Boston, I remember feeling the energy of those around me cheering. They had no idea who I was, but they were there to cheer us all on to the finish. I don't think I would have crossed that finish line, no matter how much training I did, had it not been for the people on the sidelines.

In a race, like life, you need to have the balance of both, one that is in it and one that is outside looking at it.

In a race, like life, you need to be at balance within to know that no matter how hard 'your' race might be, there is an equal part of you outside yourself that is calm, still and yelling like hell, supportive and cheering you on to keep going.

To be on the side line, cheering on these complete strangers, I felt as a part of the race as if I was running it myself.

And to that I felt the YOGA.

The Yoga IS the race, but it's also observing the race. It's the support you can give and the support you can receive.

There is something to be said for that exchange. The exchange of energy that is support. Get there. We are there with you. We are here for you.

All of us were there to make the runners feel good, supported and happy to run, to accomplish and to finish. I felt just as excited cheering and yelling and smiling and jumping and I didn't have to run 26.2 miles.

Competition was replaced with unity in accomplishment. Support and encouragement.

I observed all of these strangers as winners. And I didn't know their time. I didn't know their goal or their personal best. I knew that they were there and that I fueled them and that they fueled me.

And in that exchange, it was everyone's race.

Of course, I will run next year...because I won't have to drive home.

But, more than anything, I am inspired.

As a teacher, it is important to be inspired. If you are not inspired, you can't teach.

The path you are on right now, might change, whether you plan it or it plans you.

You adapt. And you adapt to the path accordingly. And you need the support, of yourself- in it, and yourself- on the sidelines. And you need the support of those around you who love you and those around you that you don't know, but want you to be a winner.

I love that many of my students can take their physical and emotional practice beyond what I can imagine for myself. For some, I am right along side of. And for others, I'm shouting loving gestures of encouragement to push forward. Wherever we are, on whatever path we're on, we will all meet along the way together with a heavy weight of support, love, cheers and a whole lot of carbs.

Yours devotedly, till the finish,

Lady Yoga

angel vs. devil...

2010-03-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Here's the deal, it's all about when you get me or when I get you.

I'm the nicest person ever and then I make a mistake and I'm the most miserable person ever.

The verdict, don't judge in the moment, yourself or others.

Case in point, I'm walking home from yoga class at 8AM. A homeless man asks for help. I tell him I'll buy him a cup of coffee. I get him the coffee and a little something to eat too. He didn't ask for it but I did it.

He thanked me profusely, told me that I was blessed, we both smiled and we were on our way.

I end up being 5 minutes behind my schedule.

I drive on Montana and make a left on Lincoln. I pass a street with no stop sign or cross walk. I drive the limit through the intersection even though I see someone with their dog standing on the sidewalk. In a moment, I don't know if they want to cross or let their dog do their business. I slow down a moment, but continue on. In the rear view I see the woman with both hands up but only two fingers showing if you know what I mean.

We're all quick to react in the moment. It's nature.

I wasn't doing anything wrong, however, I could have paused more or engaged the woman in a look to see if she wanted to cross. Instead, she thrust negative thoughts and fingers at me. I'm an advocate for pedestrians and their little dogs too, but I thought, how interesting...I'm a good person two minutes ago and someone is flipping me off moments later.

How did that happen?

It made me think of all the people who cut me off or continue to drive when I'm standing there ready to cross walk. We are not mind readers and sometimes we F up.

But really, to waste your energy on flipping the bird or thinking negatively, it's all just a waste.

If we all thought of our energy and thoughts as cash in the bank, we'd be a little more wary on how we spend it.

Think again when reacting, because you don't know where the other person is coming from.

Yes, there are A-holes out there, but if we think everyone is an A-hole, they will be - in our mind, heart and energy account. If we think that everyone is really coming from a good place and sometimes don't think or don't mean, we would have a lot more in our energy savings.

Just sayin'.

Unity people.

There are rules out there but way less people out there holding us accountable.

Let's work together to get where we need to go. We are all trying to get somewhere and I support you getting there, even if that means that it makes your day that you are in front of me in your car. Go on with yourself. Be in front. You win. I'm saving my energy for the homeless.

Let's let people into our lane.

Let's let people not use their blinkers even though we all know how dangerous that is not to use our blinkers.

Let's let bad be bad and hope we learn from bad and model what we experience as good.

Let's let be - in it and with it together.

~Lady Yoga

That's my new name. Get used to it.

Facebook Fodder...

2010-02-18T20:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

There came a point where I no longer knew any of my 'friends' on facebook.

All of the requests to be my friend came from friends of friends or people or organizations that were in my community, but that I didn't know personally.

I was very reluctant to join facebook, but when I did, I was struck with it like a virus and became addicted for a minute that lasted several hours and I never looked back. I knew that was bad.

I go back to post events or things I'm working on or post pics to keep my friends and family in the loop of my life.

Other than that, facebook...

scares the crap out of me.

But I get friend requests daily that have now logged me in at o'er a thousand friends that at this point, I can say I barely if not at all know. Gone are those days. Grade school, middle school, high school, college, temp jobs, theatre, grad school, classes, shows, workshops, the list goes on and on and on.

I understand what it's used for and can't use it for anything else. Not even after a glass of wine.

So, I was not surprised that I got yet another friend request from a yogi in the LA community. It was from someone I have never met before. The thing of it was that she added a personal message to her request that I'll include here, anonymously...

Remember that as one door closes another shall open. Keep your thoughts positive and your vibration elevated. You can do it!

All I know is that I don't know her. All I know is that I am in the middle of one door closing and another one opening wide with a big a-s breeze coming in and that I have a few 24th marathon mile doubts about it all. But here comes this message and friend request and I'm bounced back into balanced electrolytes and a big smile that says, thank you!!

Turns out she's a bit of an empath/psychic.

When I accepted her friend request, I was going to write her a little message thanking her until I realized that the message wasn't actually aimed at me, but her facebook update to ALL. She was telling all of 'us' this message.

I felt a bit ridiculous sending this stranger a message, but considering we are now friends on this world wide web of networking, I thought, what better way to thank her then right here on my blog. You know who you are.

Sometimes a message, thought, phrase, something you overhear or is said in jest, hits home in a way that brings you back to reality.

I don't know this lady. But we are now friends. I can imagine only imagine the greatness we all bestow on others if we word it right and come from a good place and pure heart.

I don't update my profile incessantly with words of wisdom. Perhaps I should. Or perhaps I should leave it to

the select randomness and anonymity of it all. You never know when you will lift someone out of the dark and heavy.

You never know when it strikes when you need it most.

So for that, dear Oprah and facebook, I am grateful for the big dark abyss which holds tight a big bright light for all of us to be guided on the collective, questionable path ahead.

Yours,

Laur

Winter Retreat

2010-02-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

We have a crazy little heat wave happening here in Los Angeles whilst the rest of the country is getting pummeled with snowballs and wind chills.

We're very blessed, being here in Southern California where the weathermen only come out of hiding during the two weeks of rain we see in 'our' winter.

But what kind of people would we be if we didn't have the weather to chat about? Even in Southern California, we can talk about the sunshine till we're blue in the skies.

It is a topic that joins us together at coffee shops and the post office; exchanging small unions of complaints in unpleasantness or wonder in crisp, clear mornings. It is...a form of yoga that binds us together. It is all around us.

Of course, there is nothing like having something to deflect from silence or our passion or being grounded then being lost in thoughts of the weather, the clouds rolling by or the snow/rain falling. It's a fantastic diversion, an easy dismissal, or a snow day, if you will, to place our attention outside of us, into...something else, anything else.

In wintertime, we tend to retreat. Sometimes we are literally forced to go indoors because there is four feet of snow outside, keeping us inside.

But if it's sunny outside, there is no excuse to stay in. In fact, speaking from experience, I often feel guilty if I stay inside on a sunny day watching Lifetime movies, when the ocean, sun and surf are shiny, happy, and begging to be experienced like a puppy needing to pee.

It's depressing.

In NY, where I'm originally from, you always have an excuse to be miserable when it's cold, wet and crappy out. Secretly, I think we all like that excuse to be a little crabby. And we share that camaraderie with others. Yea, misery!

In Los Angeles, it's inexcusable. Excuse me, we live in paradise. Go out and glimmer on Sunset! Yes, it's a parking lot on the free way, but look up...can you not see the snow capped mountains in the distance above the Hollywood sign. Look back...can you not see the blinding sun reflecting off the Pacific? What the heck can you complain about?

We are blessed. We are in our nature as the NYers are in theirs. But it is nature as a people, as animals to hide away and store up energy in the winter. In So Cal we are left with our skin bare year round and exposed. But even the tube tops need to be shelved for a moment of reprieve.

To go inwards is a difficult task whatever the weather.

But I would like to suggest to anyone, no matter what the weather, to brave the storm and sun, shut the door to the outside, go inside and treat yourself to an inner hot cocoa.

Turn down the blinds and pretend you are unable to go outside.

Shut off the phones and disable your wireless.

You have been asked to evacuate and incubate.

Sit in the silent hum of your own abode and if you can't be still, move.

Move to the beat of your own inner Gaga and dance yourself to stillness.

Or, sit down and sing or talk yourself into quiet.

Do a sun or moon salute or sit cross-legged and sigh.

Breathe in and out and sip from the warm mug of your own body.

Sweet sunshine or blanket of snow is no reason or every reason to come inside for some self-nurturing.

I went to Trader Joe's today. I was behind a mom with her two beautiful kids. One of 'em was in her arm donning the cutest footy pajamas I've ever seen. I asked her if it might come in my size.

The clerk behind the counter said that it was pajama day at the school she worked at during the day. The mom said it was pajama day at the school her kid went to. I told her that one of my clients had pajama day at their school just yesterday. Three different schools, all wearing pajamas, all day, doing math or playing games. A brilliant parade of footies and onesies.

Fantastic. I'd like a side of nilla wafers and full fat milk with that please!

I have a student that works from home and says that sometimes she will work until two in the afternoon without ever changing out of her pj's or brushing her teeth. I didn't scoff at this. I thought, where could I apply for this job? Just kidding. I love my job. If you can label it such.

I wear mascara to teach.

I do. Hey, if you got'em, flaunt'em. I've got the lashes, so I play them up.

But, wouldn't it be fancy if we all had a day where we just stayed in our pj's and stayed in?

It should be a post office holiday. A hallmark holiday. A holiday where all you do is be with yourself and/or those you love and just be. Ok, no presents or cards, just what you have in the cupboards and CRAFTS! Remember those?

And if you can't or won't come to the mat just make it so in the mind. Even if you have never done yoga and can't touch your toes, let your mind wander and watch your body from the inside out, stretch, strengthen, renew and refresh. If you are breathing and present, you are doing yoga. If you are doing that and still can't touch your toes, you are still doing yoga. Don't let anyone tell you different.

It's great to use the weather as a reason and it's natural for us to come inside in winter, but you should always be able to find your winter retreat no matter what the news says.

You can find this in your yoga practice, whatever that is for you. Simply being within, footie pajamas, Lululemon pants or a suit, present with yourself, your mind - wherever it is on the map, your breath and your body - you are in union and in yoga. You are listening to the weather within and taking your umbrella or breaking out your sunscreen.

Coming inside, taking care, nurturing and warming, it's all in support of the continued goodness we can then share when we emerge to the outside. When we Spring.

It's nature. It's all around us and it's all within us.

Tomorrow, the news here says...

Sunny, warm and clear.

But what's your forecast?

Yours truly,

2010-02-11T22:53:00.001-08:00

2010-02-11T22:52:00.001-08:00

You won!!!!!!!

2010-02-11T20:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

Sometimes I hear things and am so ridiculously blown away that I kick myself for not having thought of it myself.

This goes for a seminar I recently heard called, The Extra Mile, by actor Glenn Morshower.

You should have him on your show.

If that name doesn't sound familiar, Google him and you will know you've seen him a million times. Not only is he a great actor but an insightful and glorious speaker with nuggets of wisdom that will make you go, Wayne Dyer, who?

Hearing this seminar made me have a you, Ah Ha moment.

To misquote and paraphrase, he mentions that when you come into this world, you have already won the greatest race of all time. You have beaten out 650million sperm, lookin' to the right and left and fighting through 'em all to get to this earth. And the prize...is this great trophy, your body. So every time you look in the mirror, you see this great trophy and know that you are a winner.

Knowing that, you must keep your trophy clean and polished, eat healthy food, exercise and dust it whenever needed. You must take care of this trophy, as it is the best prize.

I had to share this with my yoga class because it was the most interesting and in Morshower's delivery, humorous way of looking at your body and soul not so much as the 'temple' we often hear about, but as a truly prized possession that our soul worked hard to achieve. Very spiritual...very yogi!

If we won an Oscar or Olympic Gold Medal we wouldn't toss it aside, abuse it and neglect it.

So we must treat our bodies, our prizes, our souls and our teammates, with the same respect and goodness.

It made me think of a run I had recently, on the beach.

There is this little spot where I swear I can feel my dad. I can feel the connection.

It's the same spot where I felt the warmth of him or the spirit or whatever is higher than us, guiding us. I can show you where it is, about two foot ball fields north of the pier, just south of the California incline, right where the shore meets the sea.

If you go there, say hi to my dad.

It's in that space where I felt him months ago ask me if I was warm enough on one cold day I went running. It's the same space that on the anniversary of his death, I felt him nudge me to let go and I felt, actually felt a weight of heaviness lift off of me. Of course, this could have been the weight of the chocolate chip cookies I had been eating in bulk since his passing, burn off of me after the long run, but I doubt it. Hold on, let me check.

Yup, they are still on my hips.

So it was definitely my dad lifting the weight of sadness off of me.

And it was him or the spirit or the 'whisper' Morshower speaks of in his seminar that was right next to me last week when I was so sad and confused about where my life was turning amidst such fast change that I felt that everything was going to be ok. Trust it and don't fear it.

'Cause here's the deal...change, is not a controlled substance. Change is not often something you consciously make happen because it is so scary. I love to mix things up and change things, move my armoir there, change the part in my hair, but big change isn't always self-monitored but rather guided by the higher ups that are the real puppeteers of our purpose.

We often get so distracted with technology and things to do and are moving so fast in our bodies that our minds can't possibly tune into the subliminal suggestions or whispers we receive at that high and enlightened frequency we all have access to. We are side swiped or hit over the head with change because we weren't listening to the soft messages that are delivered to us daily in order to make shifts, upgrade and grow and progress to the next level. Graduation doesn't end in high school or college. There are so many more years to look at with pride, accomplishment and financial debt. (insert small, uncomfortable laugh here)

So much has shifted for me over the last two months that I literally stood still in the middle of my chaos and thought, how could I have missed the little messages? How can I remain still and calm when everything around me is moving so swiftly?

Change was thrust upon me like it is many of us. We are forced into triage. We are zoomed in and focused singularly on the moment that needs attention. We are being present and aware to prepare.

We are made to do yoga. Ha, an oxymoron for this moron.

On this particular run, I stood at the shore and asked out loud, what am I supposed to do?

No one was around, so I didn't feel weird.

This is all I need. This is all I want. I want to be able to do good. I want to inspire. I want you (the divine U) to use me as a tool to make people feel good about themselves, make them laugh, have fun and be happy. Please tell me what to do. I want to be a reflection of your divine light.

And in that moment, I felt the flash of light.

Ok, maybe it was the camera flash from the gaggle of Asian tourists that scared the crap out of me rushing over the dunes trying to capture the final act of the day’s sunset with their jazzy iPhones.

But that was it for me. I had my mantra, 'in your divine light, I reflect.'

It's catchy and I can remember it. I suggest everyone find a mantra they can keep in their mental pocket and whip out like a light sabre when feeling conflicted.

It made sense to me and clarified my purpose. Whatever changes need to happen, it will happen in support of that mantra. Trust it, don't fear it. It will be ok.

Now get the heck out of my light, tourists. Kidding!

My metaphorical light bulb was recharged, environmentally friendly and beaming.

If we can look at God or whatever it is you believe is higher than us as reflections of divine in ourselves and each other, no matter what trials are going on in our lives, it will be impossible not to reflect back anything other than goodness.

Impossible.

Nothing has changed for me from last week to this week except for that perspective.

I look at all of the change and the people I feel I was hurt by and look at it all as divine light, not crap and I felt the same warmth from the beach.

All of a sudden, I have a ton of energy, un-caffeinated, unrefined, pure energy that has been reflected back to me from the good friends, family and people in my life. The students, the teachers, the strangers, Glenn Morshower and more importantly, the crazy guy in the Porsche behind me with his middle finger up at me for reasons I still don't know and all those people that have hurt me. Because it is in that hurt, that I have learned the greatest of lessons.

I am in awe of the people who help and support. They make me a better person. The people who have helped us provide models on how to be better people and pass it on. However, the people who hurt us also serve us greatly. The people who have hurt us provide models on how NOT to be and how to live by experience - treading softly with others who have been hurt because we understand. We learn to strive high from the hands that guide us forward and compassion from those who push us down.

I know, deep stuff right?

Bring on the change. Bring on the hurt.

I'm still reflectin' divine light, people.

And when I'm homeless, living under the pier, a few football fields from my dad, with a cardboard sign that says 'Will Work for Lifetime Television and Turkey Jerky from Whole Foods', I will still be reflecting that divine light.

I know a lot of this is stuff you've heard before but repetition breeds’ habit and hopefully a squeaky Windex clean reflection of divine light that will keep us all beaming and proud winners in this beautiful, scary life.

You can think about this whilst eating a bag of Cheetos and watching the speed skaters on the Olympics this week. You can cheer them on proudly as they race and know you're a winner too!

humbly yours,

Laur